1. He lives with his parents. This used to embarrass me, but now I understand that he’s putting frugality before dignity in these uncertain economic times. This is someone I can build a life with.
2. He rocks the caveman aesthetic with his unkempt hair/beard. This guy’s way too safety-minded to set foot inside a barbershop. He’s never said why he doesn’t shower, but I trust that there’s solid science behind that, too.
3. He’s DTF. Down to FaceTime. He always said this was better than a long subway ride to visit me in Brooklyn, and now I agree!
4. He refuses to hold hands. Commitment issues, shmimmitment issues. As we all learned in Sex Ed, hand touching is a pernicious gateway to face touching, is a pernicious gateway to the ICU.
5. He’s between jobs. Feeling #blessed to have the quality time together. It’s not his fault people don’t want their meth dealers in their homes right now.
6. He refuses to take me to a bar or restaurant. He bravely flouts traditional courtship rituals for the sake of our health. I’ve come to cherish our cozy date nights in his parents’ TV room.
7. He won’t introduce me to his friends. His friends work in schools, buy their groceries in person, and go to the dentist. Um, NO THANKS. He’s doing me a favor by keeping those Typhoid Marys and Marios away from me.
8. He talks to his exes regularly. You know, I think everyone is just realizing how precious all relationships are right now, especially late at night after scrolling through old Facebook pictures.
9. His social life is largely comprised of online gaming. In-person socializing is a TOTAL dealbreaker, so I love that he’s making the socially responsible decision to play Fortnight 24/7.
10. He’s taking classes online. With the economy in the sewer, now is the ideal time to learn a new trade. I used to think online universities were a scam, but the Harvard Masters program in Rick and Morty critical theory seems totally legit.
11. He runs for the shower immediately after we have sex. I appreciate that when it comes to getting physical, anyone could be the bad kind of super-spreader. “It’s nothing personal!”
12. He carries a flask with him at all times. He’s assured me that the days of secretly swigging vodka to get through his niece’s violin recitals are behind him. This is him being creative in the face of the sanitizer shortage.
13. He suggested going on vacation in his Uncle Jim’s RV. We’re excitedly planning our road trip to David Foster Wallace’s birthplace in Ithaca. No man of mine is gonna take me on a JetBlue germ rocket or a floating Carnival deathtrap!