Lakeside Elementary Invites You Back To In-Person School!

Dear Lakeside Leopard Families,

We are thrilled to welcome students back to school as early as next week! We miss you and are excited to put pants on and return to the classroom!

Please note that the start date depends on the health of our community. We may have to shift plans slightly if there is a spike in cases caused by religious gatherings, bleach drinkers, toilet paper hoarders, anyone who cuts their own bangs, or denies that nasal passageways are connected to lungs.

Action Plan
K-2nd grade will begin the second week of January, and 3rd-5th will start the third week. Your child will either attend the morning session from 8:30 to 11:00 or the afternoon session from 11:30 to 2:00. Rather than using an arbitrary lottery system, we decided to group children based on their preferences for corn versus flour tortillas. Everyone loves quesadillas!

Prior to sending your child to school, we are asking families to answer the Daily Screening Questions:

·       Could you, would you, in a box?*

·       Would you, could you, wearing socks?

·       Could you, would you, wash your hands?

·       Would you, could you, wear some pants?

·       Could you, would you, wear a mask?

·       Would you, could you, wear a sumo wrestler suit, ten-foot yardstick hat, or a hoop skirt à la Gone with the Wind in order to ensure social distancing protocols?

*box equipped with breathing holes

Social Distancing
In order to mitigate transmission of Covid-19, students will be expected to sit passively at their desks and listen to the teacher lecture without moving, talking, singing, laughing, or expelling cooties in any way. Children who need to be constantly reminded to socially distance will be tied to their desks. Yes, it’s weird, but we all have to do our part to flatten the curve.

Is your little Leopard a little too “extra” right meow? Has she forgotten words and can only say “poop”? Muzzle her with a mask! We will provide masks for those who need one, and your child can choose between Elsa, Ana, or John Cena!

Cats like to be clean, and Lakeside Leopard staff will bleach the shit out of everything twenty times a day when not obsessively licking each other with our sandpaper tongues. As I type, I am spraying Windex into the air right meow!

Hand Washing
Regular hand washing and sanitizing will occur before/after eating and will be conducted to a Def Leppard song or “Please Don’t Stand So Close To Me” by the Police. Because there is nothing like a pandemic to make you nostalgic for the eighties. Ted Nugent will monitor bathroom entrances for noncompliance, because he ain’t afraid of Covid, but everyone is afraid of him!

Symptom-Free Environment
If your kitty is feeling a little “Cat Scratch Fever”coming on, then we will promptly direct her to the cafeteria to sample some of our unpleasant lunch foods. If she manages to eat her meal without vomiting, then we know she has lost all sense of taste and smell and probably has Covid.

Please leave musical instruments at home as we will not be super-spraying Covid into the stratosphere through a brass tube anymore.

Unfortunately, we cannot let students share art supplies, so we got rid of Art Class. But now we have FART Class! That’s right, farting is an essential part of encouraging mask wearing and social distancing. Flatulence flattens the curve! Windows open, six feet apart! It’s going to be GREAT! No, the bleach has NOT gotten to me!

We simply cannot wait to welcome your child back to school. It’s going to be so fun to have live, three-dimensional humans in our classroom again! Better than drinking spiked eggnog and watching the lights of your Christmas tree blur together! Just rainbows and unicorns coming out the ass!

So pass those furry, farting animals this way! Our gleaming new cages are awaiting with open arms!

Principal Horton
Lakeside Elementary
Go Leopards!

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