Coming Soon To The Cereal Aisle

  • Reese’s Puffs Treats Pieces Cereal: Continuing the success of Reese’s Puffs, the cereal based on the candy, and Reese’s Puffs Treats, a snack bar based on the cereal, General Mills is introducing a cereal based on the snack bars that are based on the cereal that are based on the candy. 
  • PAW Patrol Berry Bowls: Truly one of God’s greatest culinary creations, which you will never have the courage to purchase because you assume you’re too old for it.
  • Oyster Cracker Crunch: Olde Cape Cod is finally entering the cereal space, and although some may not consider oyster crackers as part of an appealing or balanced breakfast, if you drown them in milk, they still taste better than Grape Nuts.
  • OreO’s: Over two decades after its introduction, the marketing team finally realized “Oreo O’s” sounds incredibly clunky.
  • Cap’n Crunch Oops! More Box: Despite containing the same amount of cereal as a regular box of Cap’n Crunch, Cap’n Crunch Oops! More Box will come in a large octahedron so kids can have more sides of the box to absentmindedly stare at while they wait for their parents to finish getting ready for work. 
  • Mike’s Hard Cereal: After missing out on the spiked seltzer craze, it feels like Mike’s Hard is just blindly taking a stab at where the market’s going next.
  • Mystery Krispies: It’s pineapple. They’re flavored like pineapple, if you couldn’t already tell from the huge silhouette of a pineapple on the box.
  • Wheaties with former General Mills intern Carl Bennington on the box: Although Carl was fired from his summer gig on the design team after accidentally sending production a gag mock-up of a Wheaties box with him on the front, it’s not like they’re going to just throw away millions of boxes of perfectly edible Wheaties. 
  • Atkins Hunks: The first cereal approved by the Atkins diet, it’s just hunks of beef. 
  • Empty boxes of Honey Smacks: Finally, shoppers will be able to support the coolest mascot around, Dig’em Frog, without being obligated to eat a truly disgusting cereal.
  • Coogan’s Delight: No one is quite sure why Kellogg’s is introducing “the unofficial cereal of Steve Coogan” or why it’s simply Froot Loops in a different box.
  • Laura: There she is, standing at the other end of the cereal aisle. You don’t even know what to say. (Should you say anything at all?) She still looks the same after all these years. Suddenly, what must be her five-year-old daughter runs up to the cart holding a box of Cap’n Crunch Oops! More Box. You feel sick to your stomach—Laura’s moved on. But don’t forget, you’ve moved on too. The feelings you’re experiencing are just nostalgia. You’re happy for her. She has what she’s always wanted. You do a loop through the neighboring aisle to wait them out until you can go back and get some Cap’n Crunch Oops! More Box yourself.
  • Tuna Melt Minis: Post is piloting a new “lunch cereal” in select test markets to see whether they can finally wring money out of people who skip breakfast.
  • Honey Bunches of Oats With Twizzlers: Fuck it, why not?
  • Martian Meteor Blast: After an unfortunate manufacturing delay, the tie-in cereal to Disney’s 2011 film Mars Needs Moms is rumored to finally hit store shelves next summer.
  • Colgate Max Fresh Bites: A new mint-flavored cereal billed as “the world’s only breakfast you can eat after brushing your teeth and not get a funky taste in your mouth,” Colgate still recommends you brush your teeth again after eating them because of the excessively high sugar content.
  • Apple Jills: Kellogg’s wasn’t sure if rebranding Apple Jacks would help or hurt the fight for gender equality, but thought they might as well give it a shot and see what happens.
  • Dasani Flakes: Seriously, these crossover cereals featuring outside brands are getting out of hand.
  • Xtra Box Kroger Crisp Crunch: This storebrand knockoff of Cap’n Crunch Oops! More Box will be significantly cheaper than the original, but at the cost of having one less side. 
  • The cereal you’ve always said they should make: Vindication at last.

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