I’m Just An Acquaintance Who’s Just About To Point Out Everything That’s Wrong With You

Oh my God! Hey! So great to see you! It’s been like, what, ten years or something like that?

That extra twenty pounds you put on really suits you. You look so full and healthy! I wish I could put on some weight, but ever since I went vegan everything just slides right through me. My metabolism is so crazy out of control right now, look (lifts shirt above belt, exposing the bottom of a well-defined six-pack), I’m wasting away! It’s so weird because people say you’re supposed to gain weight after you have kids, but it’s been the exact opposite for me. Crazy!

Speaking of kids, do you have any? No? What are you waiting for? You should really get on that. Time’s ticking. We just had our third last year. One after the other: bing, bang, boom. Like clockwork! I’m so glad we chose to have them when we were young because I heard that your chances of conceiving a child diminish by 10%, each day, when you’re over the age of 30. And we’re 35! Where does the time go? Anyway, I’m sure it will happen for you soon…with someone who isn’t your ex…who you caught cheating with your cousin…at your other cousin’s wedding…on your anniversary…which just so happens to be your birthday. Ugh, how awful! Your grandma told me everything while we were waiting in line at the grocery store next to five other people we went to high school with. One of them was Bethany. You remember her, right? That weird girl who used to drink her own blood and carve pentagrams into her forearm with a protractor? Remember when she got expelled for urinating on Mr. Davidson’s car and then lighting it on fire? I can’t believe she’s a doctor now! And guess what? She just had twins!

Yikes, your face is really red! You should try some of this new face cream I bought. It’s incredible! Totally helps prevent sun spots. Here, let me rub some on those two little ones I see forming on your cheek. Too much time enjoying the patio weather I guess, right? Oh, the single life. I don’t know how you do it. All those dates. All that small talk. All that wondering if you’re going to die alone. I envy your stamina. I get so tied of thinking about it that I just fall right asleep in the loving arms of my spouse and children. Good for you, though! If you ever want to settle down, I know someone who just had a rhinoplasty and several rounds of strabismus surgery who I think would be perfect for you. Look at this picture: can you believe there used to be a horn growing out of this perfectly normal-looking forehead? Incredible! Anyway, let me know if you’re interested! You both have so much in common.

Oh, by the way, I saw your profile on LinkedIn the other day and noticed that you’re looking for a new opportunity. Just got let go, huh? This economy is so brutal right now (adjusts Rolex). You should totally come work with me! My company is on the hunt for some new interns. Sure, it’s an unpaid gig, but it’s also a great way to get your foot in the door. Plus, the job is super easy. All you need to do is grab a few coffees, organize a few files, and forget the fact that you invested a decade of your life in a career with zero prospects of employment for the foreseeable future. I’ll send you the job posting. Your email address still the same? Mine is PresidentAndCEO@KPRQZ.com. Keep an eye out for it!

Oh, look at the time! Unfortunately, I’ve got to get going. I don’t know how I’m going to fit all these Louis Vuitton bags in my car, but I guess I should’ve thought about that before I took a Maserati to the mall, right? Oh well. It was nice running into you! Looking forward to seeing you the next time your self-esteem is at an all-time low and you need a reminder of how shitty your life is. Toodles!

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