Tube Dress ($34.99, T.J. Maxx): At the bar, you’ll be ducking into the ladies’ room to pull up this pink skintight dress every fifteen minutes, giving your Tinder date (who, until he sees you in this dress, will have no desire whatsoever to forcibly have sex with you) ample opportunity to slip a roofie into your cocktail.
Cowlneck Mini Slip Dress, Blue ($48.30, Abercrombie & Fitch): This delightful thigh-grazing frock features light, breathable satin and thin spaghetti straps that will suggestively intertwine with your exposed bra straps in a way that screams “Take it off!” and definitely not “It’s July in Florida and it’s 110 degrees outside.”
Sequin Wrap Dress ($108.00, Express): When that downtown wedding reception is over and you’re walking alone to your car at 1:30 a.m., the 10,000 sequins on this glitzy V-neck gown will light up the night as your own personal sex beacon, signaling “I want to get it on!” to that drunk guy vomiting behind an alleyway dumpster. Complete the look with a pair of nude six-inch stilettos that will make you trip and fall on your face as he chases you—hey, it’s not his fault you can’t run in heels.
Goldenrod Midi Sundress ($46.99, American Eagle): Do you like attention? Of course you do, you whore. When you’re at that frat party and a Sigma Chi spills beer down your chest (as you were praying he would), fear not—the fabric of this loose-fitting frock will instantly become see-through, and the gentleman will very considerately take off your dress to clean it up, especially if you’re wearing a lacy bra underneath. Stop saying no—he’s only trying to help.
Jersey T-Shirt Dress ($15.49, Walmart): Guess what? This horizontal-striped dress has large, roomy pockets for your phone, keys, pocketknife, miniature Taser, and pepper spray. But let’s be real—you’ll “forget” all these things when you go to the dentist, won’t you? Because you know how smoking hot this dress makes you look when you’re lying in that chair. Open wide!
Floral Burst Maxi Dress ($39.99, Target): Petal-pink blooms burst on a cool cotton skirt that completely covers every inch of your seductive temptress legs, making them even more irresistible to your male coworker—who goes to all the trouble of following you home on the subway every day and staring at you the whole time while you rudely, unfairly ignore him. Wear a burlap sack if it bothers you so much.
Burlap Sack ($457.99, Urban Outfitters): Just a large, itchy, shapeless burlap potato sack with arm and neck holes. If that’s not asking for it, we don’t know what is.