Hey kiddo, can I talk to you for a sec?
Your mobile carrier and I have some big news to share with you… we’re merging!
Isn’t that exciting? This means that I’m officially going to become your new carrier. Hooray!
Now I know this might not make sense to you right now, but just know that a merger is a beautiful thing that happens when two corporations love each other very much and pay all the right people to look the other way. Sure, it might be a little awkward at first, but this is a good thing! I promise. In fact, I pinky-promise. Haha do people still do that? It’s where you put your thumb over another–you know what, it doesn’t matter.
What matters is this: Sprint–I mean, your carrier, deserves to be happy. And this merger is the key to unlocking that happiness. But you should be happy too. I know I sure am! Because now, you and I can hang out all the time. Not just on the weekends! You’re gonna start seeing me every day in marketing emails, targeted social media ads, and pretty much any strip mall with a Panera Bread. Woo hoo! Best buds, am I right?
Just think of all the new memories we’re gonna make during each monthly billing cycle. Recurring payments? Psshh! More like recurring awesome sauce! Hahahaha we have fun, don’t we?
Listen champ, I know we haven’t always seen eye-to-eye…like the time I made a “Hotline Bling” commercial for the Super Bowl thinking it would make you like me (I was embarrassed too, okay?) And come to think of it, you’ve never been too fond of my obsession with pink. Or my whole rock n’ roll “uncarrier” thing either. But that’s okay! Because like four lines on the same plan, we’re a family now.
No matter what the regulators say, this is going to be the best thing that ever happened. Sure, it might not be lower prices and faster speeds ALL the time, but it’s going to make your carrier and I very happy…like $26.5 billion happy. Don’t you think that alone is worth giving this a chance?
Look, I’m no dummy. I know that no matter what I do, I’ll never be your “real” carrier. But I want you to know that I’ll always be there for you. No matter what.
Well, except in rural areas.
And maybe some densely populated urban areas.
And for some reason, every single Westfield Shopping Center in existence.
But other than that, me and my nationwide 600MHz spectrum network will always be there for you. I promise.
Honestly, it depends what plan you’re on and what kind of iPhone you have. But that’s not important right now. What’s important is that we–hey buddy, would you mind not googling “antitrust laws 2021” when I’m talking to you please? Thanks.
What’s important is that we go into this with an open mind and a laissez faire attitude. That’s French. You can google that one if you want. Ha! Seeeee, we do have fun. And who knows, maybe one day your carrier and I might even have a 5g network together. Imagine that! You and your 5g network growing up together, streaming movies, making memories…pretty cool, right?
Anyway, I know this is going to take some getting used to, and it’s going to be a little weird for a while…so you can just keep calling me T-Mobile until you feel comfortable calling me your carrier, alright champ?
Now, how about some ice cream?
Free iPhone case?
What about a twelve month protection plan?