Good morning and welcome to this month’s All-Hands Meeting! Each of you, please take a complimentary copy of We Should All Be Feminists by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. And underneath each chair, you’ll find an employee-issued incendiary device.

Now, burn the book.

I see some hands are raised. “Is participation in book burning compulsory?” Great question! Allow me to provide context: this is not the authoritarian book burning of yesteryear. Igniting this text is symbolic, a celebration of what lies ahead at this company! 

But I should add, 100% participation is necessary in order for us to achieve our mid-quarter employee engagement goal. So, it would be super-duper if everyone could get into the spirit! 

Alright, now that our team-building activity is complete, let’s dive into updates. You may have noticed some changes occurring in the office and I am happy to announce that headquarters has worked tirelessly to design a new vision for us. We will be the first employer west of Florida to implement a Post-Feminist Workplace model!

The finalized model is soon-to-be ready for your reading pleasure and we’ll make sure everyone is provided a copy and…what’s that? Hahaha, no, we won’t be burning the Post-Feminist Workplace model! Very funny! 

I want to thank you all for your flexibility during our testing phase. We’ve received many questions over the past few weeks and I’d like to use our remaining time to provide clarity:

All restrooms will remain closed. We’re working on best practice policy and facilities will open as soon as we are able to do so. 

It was a difficult decision, but our Employee Health Department felt it was best to eliminate salad as a lunch option due to the feminine connotation. I don’t think further explanation is needed, so let’s move on.

We really want to create a positive environment, so smiling is highly encouraged. For everyone. At all times! Don’t you just feel great?!

Oh, I see a hand raised. “Is Executive Leadership actually knowledgeable in feminism?” Yes, of course they are! Our Chief of Human Capital was a woman.

The supply closet will no longer carry #2 pencils as pink erasers no longer meet our standards. Again, I don’t think further explanation is needed.

Employee Onboarding now features an original icebreaker—select your Post-Feminist name from the following list: Alex, Bailey, Cameron, Darcy, Emry, Frances, Gray, Harper, I (pronounced “eye”), or Jesse. Names K thru T will be available Q4.

Yes, our former Chief of Human Capital moved on to an exciting new role, and we wish her the best!

We highly discourage using the following voice assistants while on company property due to concerns of perpetuating gendered clerical duties onto A.I.: Alexa, Siri, Cortana, AIVC aka Alice, and Amazon Echo (too close an association to mythical female warriors, The Amazons).

Yes, the former Chief of Human Capital resigned after the company phased out Maternity Leave, but the two events are unrelated. Can we move on?

To be honest, the former Chief of Human Capital was not the best fit for our cutting-edge culture. Okie dokie? 

We trust that employees will enthusiastically adopt the new dress code ethos, “Beige is best.”

Correct, the Executive Leadership demographics report 100% “white” and “male” and I’ll add that they are also exemplar post-feminists!

Alrighty! What great questions you all have! Now, as you exit the conference room, please select your new Post-Feminist name via random drawing. How exciting is that!?

See you next month!