An Introvert’s Guide To Successfully Navigating A Post-Pandemic World

Photo by HitchHike on
  1. Demonstrate Excellent Gym Etiquette…
    …while impersonating a police officer. 

Wipe down your equipment every time, return your dumbbells, and alway keep your mask on– even when you’re sprinting on the treadmill in full uniform screaming into your walkie, “The Capitol’s been breached!” All around, heads will turn as shredded gym rats try to figure you out like an Olympic lift. 

Why is this cop working out in full uniform? I don’t care what anybody says: that’s got to chafe. Also, we really need to get a move on in defunding the police. This is the kind of bullshit right here…. wait, this pig DID just spend 45 minutes meticulously sanitizing the squat rack AFTER he was done. That would demonstrate an understanding of empathy… is this a trap or something?

And why’s he yelling about the Capitol? Is he reliving the experience, or fantasizing about having lived it? If the latter, why pick THAT scenario out of all the possible scenarios one could fantasize about? It’s at this exact moment that most people will suddenly realize they’re no longer in the mood for deadlifts. Mission accomplished. Enjoy your private gym, champ. 

  1. Catch a Movie At AMC… 
    …but wear a physician’s coat with full PPE. 

The very sight of PPE will snap moviegoers out of the illusion of safety they’ve created for themselves after the house lights have dimmed. Sure, they’re crammed into a black box with 150 other people they’ve never met before, but now in the blanket of darkness, it’s like they’re alone! It’s just like before the pandemic. Aw, remember that? That was nice. Then, BOOM. Full PPE, face guard and everything right in their faces. 

“God damnit, who is this idiot ruining my vibe?” they’ll think to themselves. “Oh shit, that’s a physician’s coat. Wait, he’s a doctor? Why’s he wearing all the stuff? Should I be wearing all the stuff? Oh my god. Does he know something we don’t? Should I get up and leave? What if it’s already too late?” And that’s when you yank down your mask to stuff a handful of Raisinets into your mouth before whipping out your phone to check a notification from Fox News. 

Sure, they’ll try to forget about you and enjoy their movie. But no enjoyment will be had. Because there will be a glaring embodiment of the paradoxical chaos manifested by the disinformation phenomenon sitting just two rows down from them, stuffing his face with arguably the worst movie theater candy. By the time the previews are over, you’ll have the place to yourself for a private screening of, “A Quiet Place Part II.” And indeed, it will be quiet. 

  1. Shop At Whole Foods…
    …without a mask while rocking a t-shirt with Bernie Sander’s face on it. 

Are you an anti-masker? A Bernie Bro who’s lost his way? Either way, people won’t know what to think of you and will likely steer clear of your personal space. Because if you don’t believe in masks, what else don’t you believe in? Have you been vaccinated for other things like polio or the plague? Oh my god, what if you have rabies? That’s still a thing, right?

If you have rabies, why are you at Whole Foods and not a hospital? Is there a natural, organic way to treat rabies? Is it that orange stuff in Aisle 12? Wait. What if this is all just part of some elaborate stunt put on by radical Bernie supporters? You know, like the kind PETA does with all the blood and fur and stuff? Where are the cameras? OMG were they IN the vaccines? 

As they attempt to sort through this conundrum, logic begins to break down. They’ll find themselves spiraling into oblivion before finally stumbling out the doors– without parking validation. At last, you’ll have the store to yourself, just the way you like it. 

  1. Scalp Tickets Outside a Baseball Game…
    …but also scalp fake vaccination cards. 

When people stop to inquire about the tickets, let them know about your side-side hustle. If they’re shocked by the idea, tell them it’s not a big deal and that you’ve already sold hundreds of them today. That’s actually how you were able to buy the tickets you’re scalping now in the first place. If they look upset, just tell them that for every dollar you make, ten cents goes towards local STEM programs for girls. 

Are you an unlikely advocate for science? Or an ignorant street hustler slapping science in the face? Does this mean everyone inside the game isn’t actually vaccinated? Why would Kinko’s be complicit in the printing of hundreds or even thousands of fake vaccination cards? …Unless Kinko’s is in on it too. 

“Maybe peanuts and crackerjacks in a sea of potentially infected fans doesn’t seem like such a great idea anymore,” they’ll think to themselves as they begrudgingly climb back into an UberX. Have you ever been the only person in attendance at a major league baseball game? You’re about to be, baby!

  1. Do Everything You Would Normally Do…
    …but carry around a live bat. 

It doesn’t even matter where you go. It could be anywhere. The office, the grocery store, Quiznos… the sight of a live bat will cause knee jerk reactions for at least another decade. The brand of the bat is essentially dead. It doesn’t matter what race you are, what you’re wearing, or even how the bat is being handled. It could even be wearing a cute little top hat. Still, it won’t make a difference. All that matters is that it’s a bat.

Want to skip the line at Chase bank? Walk in with a bat. People in line will be abandoning their spots like a ship on fire. A ship on fire with a bat. Heck, you could even be carrying around a bat inside the San Diego Zoo while wearing an official zookeeper’s outfit. And still, people will scatter as if Carol Baskin’s tigers were on the loose. Carrying around a live bat is the most versatile and efficient way to navigate the post-pandemic world as an introvert. Furthermore, this simple tactic can be easily altered to follow up any pandemic: avian flu, swine flu… it’s just a matter of acquiring the right animal. You’re welcome, and good luck out there!

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