Just need tampons? Doesn’t matter. Here are some additional purchases that will cleverly disguise your nasty feminine products from all these strangers at Walgreens you’ll never see again.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash: Upon arrival, throw several bottles of each into your basket. Name-brand, generic, coconut-scented, dandruff, lice-killing, whatever. Establish to other shoppers that you’re just a normal person buying normal, non-offensive things, and definitely not one of those people who had the audacity to go through female puberty.
Hallmark greeting cards: Grab some randomly off the shelf—let’s see, a Valentine’s Day card for the boyfriend you don’t have, a 60th birthday card for your 55-year-old mom, and sure, a sympathy card with a horse on it. You’ll need that one for your own funeral if that random old man buying cough drops sees you walk down the “feminine hygiene” aisle and you die of embarrassment (as you should).
157 tubes of Chapstick: After you’ve chosen your tampons, bury the evidence of your shameful crimson secret by strategically stacking Chapstick tubes around the box. Actually, that’ll take too long. Just dump them in the basket! Quick! You will immediately burst into flames if that blonde lady over there—yes, that one—catches even a glimpse of the words “leakguard protection” or “heavy flow.” Disgusting!
Squirt guns and Greek yogurt cups (all flavors): When you cross paths with your boss in aisle 5, hold up your basket and tell him that constipation is no joke, but that a Chobani enema always does the trick–strawberry’s your favorite! Better for him to think you regularly pump yogurt up your butt than to broadcast the fact that you put tampons into your bleeding lady hole every month like a total weirdo.
X-Acto knife, latex gloves, and several gallons of bleach: Tread silently to the checkout line and creep up on the other shoppers from behind, holding the knife inches from their necks and whispering things such as “Viagra? Enjoy it while you can” and “You’re going to need more Band-Aids than that.” They’ll scamper away and leave the checkout lane wide open, with no one to judge you and your Tampax Pearls, thank God.
Adult diapers, hemorrhoid cream, and all (yes, all) the toilet paper: At the checkout, distract the hot male cashier by telling him that you ate a dozen raw Hot Pockets for breakfast, and that you had no idea diarrhea could shoot that far—good thing you were already planning to give your dog a bath, haha! As he becomes visibly disgusted, he won’t even notice that he’s sliding a jumbo box of tampons over the scanner. Which is good, because otherwise he’d realize that you get periods and therefore have a vagina, that strange and mysterious organ only 50% of human beings have. How embarrassing!
Screw it, just order them online: You have Amazon Prime for a reason. But add a few bottles of shampoo to your cart just in case, you filthy wench.