Alright students, listen up! Today at Roll Tide Academy #6 we are doing mandatory scoliosis checks. The school district requires that starting in 5th grade we check all of you for scoliosis. They have somehow determined that scoliosis is serious enough to be tested for in school, but not so serious it can’t be diagnosed by me, your gym teacher. I personally did not envision my kinesiology career would require me to wildly guess whether or not you have a severe spinal deformity, but then again I also did not envision parachute day.

You might be wondering, what is scoliosis? Scoliosis is a condition in which your spine grows crooked. You might be wondering, is that bad? The answer is I do not know. I am not a doctor, but my estimation is yes it is bad.

You also might be asking, what causes scoliosis? Well, frankly they don’t know. The school board would like me to tell you that “Scoliosis is God’s punishment for a crooked moral compass” but my own research on that topic is limited. What’s that Timmy? Your dad says it’s Obama’s fault. Hmm, I am not paid enough to unpack that.

You might be thinking, Mr. Smith, are you qualified for this? And the answer is no. Absolutely not. But neither is anyone else in the public school system. You could ask the school “nurse” for help, but for the last 6 years this school’s nurse has just been a poster of Doc McStuffins. Which also explains why we’ve had a lice outbreak for ten straight years. But hopefully the district’s new strategy of dunking each student’s head in Jim Beam twice a week will be an effective solution. Gotta use that Jim Beam budget somehow.

What happens if you have scoliosis? Well you might need to do some physical therapy which the district assures me “can be done in a god-honoring way, unlike yoga.” You also might need to wear a back brace which I’m told “will not shield you from God’s judgement.” Finally, if your case is really severe you might need to have surgery to make your spine straight. What’s that? No Timmy, not that kind of straight. Your spine is not gay otherwise.

The school board has given me a list of scoliosis “facts” that, for the record, I do not personally endorse:

• Premarital sex can cause scoliosis.
• Eating tofu can cause scoliosis.
• Voting democrat can cause scoliosis.
• Writing in cursive causes scoliosis, and it also makes you gay.
• Covid isn’t real.
• If you have scoliosis don’t expect help from the government as that would be communism.

The district would also like me to mention that scoliosis should not affect your score on the presidential fitness test. As a reminder, the current requirements of the test are:

• Be able to walk from the McDonalds kiosk to the pickup counter in under 7 minutes.
• Chug a can of Busch Lite for Kids in under 2 minutes.
• Do 5 jumping jacks (it’s ok if your feet don’t come off the ground).

Ok, do you kids have any questions?

“Can praying cure scoliosis?” The district would like me to answer yes but my guess is no, according to science. 

“What is science?” Right, I forgot this school’s science curriculum is just the movie King Kong vs. Godzilla.

“Will this impact your dick growth?” No, it will not. What an incredibly stupid yet predictable question for a fifth grader.

“Will you fail gym class if you have scoliosis?” A surprisingly topical question. No you will not fail gym class, the only requirement to pass this class is to show up two days a week without a handgun. Except on handgun day.

“Can you still join the army to fight critical race theory if you have scoliosis?” Right, I don’t think that’s what the army does, but yes you can still enlist.

“Who checks MY scoliosis?” Ah yes, the classic paradox of who diagnoses the gym teacher’s scoliosis. In most places that would be a doctor, but in this town that service is actually provided by the strip club.

Now lineup, single file.

Ok Timmy, bend over. Uhhhhhm, hmm. Not sure what I’m looking for, just gonna eyeball it. It’s probably fine, just drink some water. Ok, next! 

Hmm I think you’re good, although you’re a little young for a confederate flag tattoo. Next!

Ok Alex, bend over. Wow, your legs are really hairy for your age. I’m not even looking at your spine, go get your leg hair looked at. Next! 

Bend over, I’m pretty sure you’re fine. Next! 

Bend over, you definitely have lice. Next! …