Because U.S. ports like Los Angeles, Houston and Savannah, GA are log-jammed with dozens and dozens of container ships, i.e., Christmas booty barges, that can’t be docked and unloaded, headlines are calling the situation “Containergeddon.” Understandably, retailers are worried goods won’t make it to their shelves for the big buying season.

Shoppers are worried.  

I’m most worried for those shoppers desperate for this year’s hottest kitchen appliance.  

Not really. I don’t care.  

I don’t care and don’t want this year’s unbelievable piece of cooking gear that will outshine the instant pot or the air fryer.  

No kitchen appliance can deliver what I need. No engineer is smart enough to develop it. It’s a job for aliens.  

You name it; they all fail: the slow cooker, stand mixer, tabletop grill, immersion blender, toaster oven, 10-in-1 cooker, panini maker, pasta maker, pressure cooker, juicer, and induction cooktop.  

None of them answer the universally frustrating question: what to make for dinner? Not what to make dinner WITH. I repeat, what to make FOR dinner. Tonight! In a few hours!  

And if this is the year for it, and it’s trapped on a container ship, I’ll go there and get it off myself. I’ll get two. Want one?  

If my expectations are unrealistic then it might seem I’m anti-cooking or anti-appliance. I am not. I cook plenty and I own a blender, a toaster oven, a food processor, a hand mixer, coffee grinder and an air popper. I once owned an ice cream maker, a George Foreman grill, and a waffle maker. Even a microwave. The gasps I hear now, about the microwave, are nothing I haven’t heard before.  

When the microwave no longer radiated, I didn’t replace it. It was a test to see whether I’d miss it. I didn’t. Sure, it was a change. I didn’t miss forgetting to clean it. There were no lingering bacon, fish, or popcorn odors either.  

I also didn’t miss the waffles I made just once in fifteen years. When I long for them, I go to a diner. Making waffles is a job. That’s right, a job people are paid to do. More importantly, people are paid to clean the waffle iron. If done properly, cleaning a waffle iron can take up a good part of a Sunday afternoon. There’s the little crusty squares, the batter that runs off and bakes to the sides and worse batter that gets into the crevices of the power cord. It must go back in the box or into the cupboard spotlessly clean. Almost clean? Clean enough?

Any new appliance that enters my kitchen must be self-cleaning. Crazy right?  

Ever been in someone’s kitchen and take a good look at the stand mixer or food processor or immersion blender? Try it. You might see glistening, gummy globules of the last thing they made clinging to it. The remains of yellow cake batter? Hummus? Cheesy cauliflower soup?  

Appetizing.

I don’t blame anyone, including myself, for not giving appliances a cleaning as thorough as a car detailing. It’s tedious and unrewarding. I recently saw a carrot sliver left behind on my blender’s blade as I placed it on the shelf. I pretended not to see it.  

Covid makes me think I should hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to appliance cleanliness. But I don’t have the energy. I’m still consumed with scrubbing counters, sinks, steering wheels, doorknobs and my hands.

But alas, anything with lots of buttons, nooks, crannies and motors can’t be self-cleaning. So, another fail. Someday, aliens will descend with magical steam and vaporize the clogged gunk. I have faith.

And if they can accomplish that feat, I know they can handle another.  

Introducing a new appliance into my kitchen would mean a weekend reorganizing the entire kitchen and beyond. The exercise is a waste of time. Just sit in on the counter? Display it like a piece of art? Out of the question. Even if it does match my decor.

Now if the aliens could create a Star Trek-inspired, super deluxe, kitchen appliance transporter system, making them appear only when needed and beaming then back up when not in use, that would help, a little.  

Really though, until an appliance can decide what’s for dinner, self-clean, and appear and disappear on demand, I’m out of the market. Let them all sit on the ships.  

But now that I think about it. I have a favorite appliance. And it needs replacing. Soon. This Christmas would be a good time. It sits in a corner on my counter. I rarely need to clean it. And it has nothing to do with making meals.  

I can’t live without it.  

I use it every day. Many times a day.

I need my electric tea kettle!  

When I was forced to boil water, after not replacing the microwave, I invested in the kettle. Until then, I had no idea how long it took a watched pot to boil.

The kettle is leaky and water spills onto the counter.  

It needs replacing.  

Uh oh.  

I hope my ship comes in.  

Real soon.