God : “I am the Lord Your God; thou shalt have no other Gods before me.”
Holy Spirit: I think it’s too long.
Adam: Yeah, I agree.
God: Too long? What the hell would you cut?
Holy Spirit: The second part seems redundant.
Eve: But the second part brings it home.
Adam: What if you mention the other gods, and how they’re inferior?
God: I’m the only god.
Adam: It’s a big universe. You sure you’re the only god?
God: Yeah, pretty sure.
Jesus: Maybe if you told the commandment in the form of a parable?
God: They’re commandments. Not parables.
God: I’m going to leave it as written.
Jesus (under his breath): Big surprise there.
God: What was that?
Jesus: I said, ‘Eve has big eyes and hair.’
God: That’s not what you said.
God: “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”
Holy Spirit: Should we move it to an active voice?
Holy Spirit: Start with a direct call to action, like, ‘Don’t make graven images.’
Adam: That’s shorter, so…
Eve: It’s a commandment. From God. It doesn’t have to be short.
God: Thank you.
Holy Spirit: I’m just saying people are pretty stupid; keep it short, make it clear.
Eve: The call to action is clear as hell.
Jesus: I have a suggestion—
God: It stays the way it is.
Jesus: You don’t want to hear my idea?
God: No, not really.
God: “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.”
Adam: What do we call you if we can’t use your name?
God: I’m not saying don’t use my name. I just don’t want people saying I said things I haven’t said, like twisting my words.
Adam: Or endorsing products?
God: Sure. Wait, what? No.
Adam: So product endorsements are okay?
God: No. How are you not getting this?
Jesus: I think a parable would be clearer.
God: No it wouldn’t.
God: “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy in my name.”
God: What? Nothing?
Holy Spirit: That’s four in a row that are just about you, being God, so…
Eve: So what? He’s God.
Holy Spirit: So maybe the first four could be covered with one commandment: “I’m God; deal with it.”
God: That doesn’t sound like me.
*Holy Spirit looks away*
God: Are you saying that’s what I sound like?
Eve: That’s not what you sound like.
*awkward silence again*
Jesus: You want to hear my idea?
God: “Honor thy father and thy mother.”
*Jesus snorts, covering it with a cough*
God: Anybody have constructive criticism?
Holy Spirit: At least it’s an active voice.
*God stares at the Holy Spirit*
God: You don’t like it otherwise?
Holy Spirit: It’s fine.
Jesus: Easy for you to say. He’s not your dad.
God: Excuse me?
Eve: Maybe we should take a break.
God: I don’t need a break.
Eve: Okay, then it stays as written?
God: “Thou shalt not kill.”
*Adam yawns audibly*
Adam: Sorry. Not bored. Just a little tired. I guess I actually needed a break. Ha ha.
God: I’ll tell you what, the rest are specific actions I’m forbidding: killing, stealing, lying, cheating on your spouse, and something else I’m forgetting at the moment. Everybody good with those?
God: Cool? Just cool?
Jesus: What’s the point?
God: Excuse me?
Jesus: I mean, what happens when someone breaks a commandment?
God: What do you mean what happens? No one would dare break a commandment.
God: Okay, let’s hear it.
Jesus: You see what they’re doing down there?
God: Of course. That’s why I’m putting together commandments. I realize I’ve been absent lately, so…
God: Alright, what do you think should happen if—and it’s a big if—someone breaks a commandment.
Eve: Banishment from the Garden of Eden?
Holy Spirit: What are you talking ab—
Adam: That’s what happened to us, and we turned out fine.
Eve: We’re better because of it.
Adam: Yeah. Thank you for banishing us, God.
God: You’re welcome.
Jesus: Maybe you should go down there and show them how to live, like you did with Abe.
Jesus: What? Why are you laughing?
God: You have no idea what it’s like down there.
Jesus: You never let me leave your damn kingdom, so yeah, no, I don’t know what it’s like down there.
God: You want to go down there?
Eve: Guys, I think you should cool down—
Jesus: Yeah. I’ll go down there.
Eve: You don’t want to go down there.
Jesus: Yes I do, and I’ll show you how to bring love into the hearts of mankind.
God: Good luck with that.
Jesus: What? You don’t think I can do it?
God: Not without my help.
Jesus: I don’t need your help. Send me down there. And I don’t want you to help me even if I beg you.
God: Alright smart guy. Your prayer has been answered.