God Workshops The Ten Commandments With His Holy Spirit, Jesus, Adam And Eve

God : “I am the Lord Your God; thou shalt have no other Gods before me.”

Holy Spirit: I think it’s too long.

Adam: Yeah, I agree.

God: Too long? What the hell would you cut?

Holy Spirit: The second part seems redundant.

Eve: But the second part brings it home.

Adam: What if you mention the other gods, and how they’re inferior?

God: I’m the only god.

Adam: It’s a big universe. You sure you’re the only god?

God: Yeah, pretty sure.

Jesus: Maybe if you told the commandment in the form of a parable?

God: They’re commandments. Not parables.

*awkward silence*

God: I’m going to leave it as written.

Jesus (under his breath): Big surprise there.

God: What was that?

Jesus: I said, ‘Eve has big eyes and hair.’

God: That’s not what you said.

God: “Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image.”

Holy Spirit: Should we move it to an active voice?

God: What?

Holy Spirit: Start with a direct call to action, like, ‘Don’t make graven images.’

Adam: That’s shorter, so…

Eve: It’s a commandment. From God. It doesn’t have to be short.

God: Thank you.

Holy Spirit: I’m just saying people are pretty stupid; keep it short, make it clear.

Eve: The call to action is clear as hell.

Jesus: I have a suggestion—

God: It stays the way it is.

Jesus: You don’t want to hear my idea?

God: No, not really.

Jesus: Fine.

God: “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.”

Adam: What do we call you if we can’t use your name?

God: I’m not saying don’t use my name. I just don’t want people saying I said things I haven’t said, like twisting my words.

Adam: Or endorsing products?

God: Sure. Wait, what? No.

Adam: So product endorsements are okay?

God: No. How are you not getting this?

Jesus: I think a parable would be clearer.

God: No it wouldn’t.

God: “Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy in my name.”

*awkward silence*

God: What? Nothing?

Holy Spirit: That’s four in a row that are just about you, being God, so…

Eve: So what? He’s God.

Holy Spirit: So maybe the first four could be covered with one commandment: “I’m God; deal with it.”

God: That doesn’t sound like me.

*Holy Spirit looks away*

God: Are you saying that’s what I sound like?

Eve: That’s not what you sound like.

*awkward silence again*

Jesus: You want to hear my idea?

God: Nope.

God: “Honor thy father and thy mother.”

*Jesus snorts, covering it with a cough*

God: What?

Jesus: Nothing.

God: Anybody have constructive criticism?

Holy Spirit: At least it’s an active voice.

*God stares at the Holy Spirit*

God: You don’t like it otherwise?

Holy Spirit: It’s fine.

Jesus: Easy for you to say. He’s not your dad.

God: Excuse me?

Eve: Maybe we should take a break.

God: I don’t need a break.

Eve: Okay, then it stays as written?

God: Yeah.

God: “Thou shalt not kill.”

*Adam yawns audibly*

Adam: Sorry. Not bored. Just a little tired. I guess I actually needed a break. Ha ha.

God: I’ll tell you what, the rest are specific actions I’m forbidding: killing, stealing, lying, cheating on your spouse, and something else I’m forgetting at the moment. Everybody good with those?

Jesus: Cool.

God: Cool? Just cool?

*Jesus shrugs*

Jesus: What’s the point?

God: Excuse me?

Jesus: I mean, what happens when someone breaks a commandment?

God: What do you mean what happens? No one would dare break a commandment.

*Jesus snorts*

God: Okay, let’s hear it.

Jesus: You see what they’re doing down there?

God: Of course. That’s why I’m putting together commandments. I realize I’ve been absent lately, so…

Jesus: Okay.

God: Alright, what do you think should happen if—and it’s a big if—someone breaks a commandment.

Eve: Banishment from the Garden of Eden?

Holy Spirit: What are you talking ab—

Adam: That’s what happened to us, and we turned out fine.

Eve: We’re better because of it.

Adam: Yeah. Thank you for banishing us, God.

God: You’re welcome.

Jesus: Maybe you should go down there and show them how to live, like you did with Abe.

*God snorts*

Jesus: What? Why are you laughing?

God: You have no idea what it’s like down there.

Jesus: You never let me leave your damn kingdom, so yeah, no, I don’t know what it’s like down there.

God: You want to go down there?

Eve: Guys, I think you should cool down—

Jesus: Yeah. I’ll go down there.

Eve: You don’t want to go down there.

Jesus: Yes I do, and I’ll show you how to bring love into the hearts of mankind.

God: Good luck with that.

Jesus: What? You don’t think I can do it?

God: Not without my help.

Jesus: I don’t need your help. Send me down there. And I don’t want you to help me even if I beg you.

God: Alright smart guy. Your prayer has been answered.


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