The Martinsons’ adult son Barney has decided to become a lounge singer. You are to address him henceforth as Dean Domino or, as it says on his monogrammed pyjamas, the Velvet Fox.

Sure, okay! Good luck on your journey Mr Domino!

For the duration of the production, Mr Day-Lewis will be referred to only as Henry Ford III. Please do not look Mr Day-Lewis in the eyes. If you need him, you must say, “If it behooves you, Mr Ford”. If you touch his lunch, even accidentally, he is contractually allowed to beat you with his Oscar.

A small price to see a true artist in the flesh!

Your friend Calvin Broadus Jr. would like you to call him Snoop Doggy Dogg since it’s a cooler rapping name.

Of course! Cool name!

Following numerous complaints, Adolf Hitler High School will be re-named after whoever killed Adolf Hitler.

Noted. Sounds important!

Your rapping friend Snoop Doggy Dogg would now like to be known as Snoop Lion.

No problemo. The name fits!

From tomorrow, Chattahoochee Mound Burial Ground will be known as Applebee’s.

Good call!

Snoop Lion has sobered up and would now just like you to call him Snoop Dogg.

Whatever makes him feel comfortable!

Your coworker Michaela has informed you they would to be referred to using “they” or “them” in future.

Absolutely fucking not.