Dear Customer #87259

Hi again. It’s me, the vintage details holiday silk tunic in your Anthropologie cart, and it’s time for you to press buy or say goodbye. I know you’re ‘indecisive customer behavior #22’ when it comes to holiday attire, but the Christmas shipping deadline is coming, and my analytics say that based on your zip code, browsing history, age, childhood trauma profile and predicted income that we are made for each other.

A match like this, ‘predicted 92.5%’, doesn’t come along every-day and I will keep sending you emails, alerts and pop-ups until you see it that way, ‘approximately 7 emails over a four day cycle for optimal consumer response’. I know you have other options; I see you eyeing that trashy polyester Christmas tree BLOUSE from Ann Taylor Loft. I don’t hold it against you. Those 40% off coupons and vintage prints play to your desire to connect to your mid-western roots and your Peanuts fetish. We all know you’ve been texting your mom more often.  It’s that time of year when your Spotify activity points to a nostalgic interest in holiday hits from December 1984. A walk down memory lane is fine, as long as you are wearing exquisite clothing from

I want you to close your eyes for a moment and imagine the life you could have as provided by a targeted image I created just for you. It’s a boob-less woman leaning on a fence made of vintage skies in the wilds of Telluride. She’s not the least bit cold in beautifully draped shantung sleeves, leaning back and laughing at a private joke while her perfectly blown out hair tousles in the Colorado sunshine. No coat, she’s carefree!

Don’t be coy, I’ve been in and out and in and out and in and out of your cart seventy-two times in the last three weeks. I know that’s your style, Frye boots warned me about you, but I think it’s time to stop playing games. Listen, my sources say you’re about to get a $10.00 off coupon alert from that Loft whore holiday blouse. If you want a life of laughing at Dan’s jokes by the water-cooler with Christmas cookie crumble all over your $39.99 chest, by all means, go ahead. In fact, I’m pretty sure you will. You always choose cheap and trashy instead of timeless and classy. It’s predicted…uh predictable.

I’m not upset. We’ve been here before. In two weeks, when you get an alert that your size is no longer available, after you’ve already squandered your paycheck on Loft and Aerosoles last minute holiday deals, you’ll be up all night looking for me on eBay. I’m hard to forget and because you never delete your cookies, I’ll always be remembering you. 

Vintage Details Holiday Silk Tunic, Candy Cane Red, Size Medium, SKU # 29765443

P.S-Frye Boots in ‘Kick-It’ Silver Size 10 says hi…

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