The sports world was shaken when, following the launch of the controversial Saudi-backed LIV Golf professional tour, Hell announced plans to attract top drivers from NASCAR to compete in a New Netherworld-based Race Series. We sat down with the evil incarnate behind this latest entry into the (under)world of sports.
Before we dive in, I really don’t want to misstep. What should I call you?
Well, I’ve been so obsessed with our new racing initiative that my team has taken to calling me Beelzebubba, which is pretty good. But you can call me Lucifer, or Lu, Satan, Prince of Darkness…
Lu. Let’s go with Lu.
…Mephistopheles, the Dark Lord…oh, okay. Sure, Lu is great. Also, thank you for being open to using Facebook Messenger Room for this conversation. They’re our exclusive video chat platform down here.
No worries. So, why is Hell wooing NASCAR drivers?
I wish I could take full credit, but I must give a tip of the horns to MBS.
You are referring to Saudi Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman
Is that his full name? Not sure I knew that. Whenever we hang he’s always just “MBS is in the house!” and “MBS is bored.”
Anywho, he pulled off this whole golf thing to promote a more welcoming image for Saudi Arabia. You know, turn that murderous frown upside down. Ha-Ha. The en vogue term is sportswashing, which is a way of using sports to reintroduce yourself to the world after you had previously been associated with something creepy or disturbing. Like what Chris Wallace did leaving Fox for CNN.
So, in Hell’s case, we are looking to use motor sports as a way of countering the drumbeat of negative coverage Hell tends to get.
Why target NASCAR?
By the way, am I the only one that thinks MBS is doing a whole Kevin Spacey in “Seven” thing? He’s just working his way thru the list, right? I don’t get why everyone doesn’t see it.
Back to your question, why not NASCAR? And understand, we plan to look at other leagues and organizations once we get this baby off the ground. I personally selected the world of NASCAR because it just seemed further along the track – see what I did there? – than other sports.
For example, as it turns out, a fair number of folks already here were big NASCAR fans back when they were alive, so there is already a built-in fan-base and looking at America right now, I am guessing that audience is going to skyrocket. We also discovered some of our denizens were legendary drivers, so we will be legit from the first green flag.
Oh, also, unlike up in America, we have zero problem with flying the Confederate flag at races. In fact, there are millions of them down here already. But let me be clear, we are all about heritage, not hate (wink-wink).
The Saudi LIV tour has lured some big names from the world of golf. How is your recruiting going?
Like a house on fire. I’m not ready to share names but some of these guys make the LIV golf mercenaries look like Mandela. When I told one driver about our seven figure per race guaranteed appearance fee his immediate response was “And it only costs my soul? Well then, let’s go to Hell!” And that was before I even had a chance to tell him about how race winners will be able to identify one Earthly enemy to smite.
I’ll tell you one thing though. Every driver is going to get some media training before we announce them. We don’t need anybody embarrassing Hell by pulling a Mickelson.
Do you have a name for this Hell-based racing league?
Yes. I’m excited to announce the new enterprise will be called “Vi Vi Vi!” You pronounce it like “vie” so it sounds like a competition chant. But really, it’s just a way to get the media to write 666 in Roman numerals. I know, literally diabolical, right?
Also, I’m thrilled to share that our season-ending race will be the Sisyphus 5,000,000 and, if anyone somehow completes it, they will receive the Cauldron Cup which is a golden goblet full of ice-cold Perrier, made from material mined by our youngest guests.
What will the race experience for fans in Hell be like?
Safe to say that any attendee who has been in a NASCAR race infield will feel right at home here in Hell.
I guess we’ll need to figure out how to keep RVs from incinerating, but I have people enslaved to figure out those kinds of details!
Does Hell have racetracks?
Initially we’ll need to be creative while some of the damned are denied rest and forced to build new facilities. But we want the experience to be uniquely Hellish from Day One. So, for example, we will repurpose the dog racing tracks, utilize available space in our various circles although the second one is probably a little too windy and, of course, there’s always Talladega.
The Saudis are having issues finding sponsors. Any concerns there?
Not at all. We’re having to beat brands away with fiery, spiked poisonous clubs (not that we don’t enjoy that). We were close to a huge deal with Meta but now that Sheryl (Sandberg) is leaving, I’m less sure they “get it,” y’know?
But are in advanced negotiations with beloved brands like Phillip Morris, Crystal Meth, Comcast and Kars4Kids.
Anything you wish to add that we haven’t covered?
Just that while we are thrilled about VI VI VI! we want folks to know that from our rivers of boiling blood, to endless fields of fire and amazing wildlife like centaurs and harpies, the Minotaur, and, of course, Cerberus the three-headed dog there is something for everyone way down under. So, people of Earth, start your engines and go to Hell!