Our Ride Or Die Pledge Has Been Revised. Please Read Carefully.

Hey Gretch! Love the pics on insta! Sooooo cute.

I saw you posted that one pic of us right after college, and you mentioned “Ride or Die.”

Like, I totally promise to drop everything at a moment’s notice and ride off to some unknown place for a presumed adventure, or die trying. Our Ride or Die is still totally valid.

However, when I say “ride” I mean:

  • A convertible with the top down if it’s warm, sunny and I have a hat
  • Any foreign or domestic car is fine if it has air conditioning, heated seats, and Sirius XM (gotta get my Yacht Rock jam on!)
  • It’d be nice if the “ride” is an EV or hybrid (they’re just better for the environment)
  • Motorcycles are definitely out; they look sexy as hell but so damn dangerous
  • Don’t even try with one of those those three-wheeled dune buggy things that look cool but are noisy and uncomfortable
  • Basically, I need a ride with some storage because I travel with a lot of stuff these days

“Die” still means death; I’m not interested in some metaphor of death, like we end up in Florida.

Don’t take this the wrong way but I’ve made a few pledges with other friends—some you know, some you don’t—and I won’t be able to honor my Ride or Die with you if, when you call, I happen to be honoring any of the following pledges:

I have a Shop Until You Drop pledge with Carol from book club. It’s mostly on Black Friday, but you never know when there’s a sale.

Brunch or Lunch with Angela, whom I met when our kids were in pre-school. She’s a hoot. You’d like her.

On Thursday evenings I do that Calls for Climate thing. I know it’s weird, me doing political activism, but this weather is freaking me out and I don’t want my kids to hate me for it after I’m dead.

I’m supposed to be going to Quilty for the Guilty once a month. That’s where we make quilts for prisoners or something? Like I said, I haven’t been going, but I feel guilty because that one woman I met at church talked me into it, and now I don’t even go to church, and I’m afraid I’ll bump into her in town so I might just go to the quilt thing, which takes for-fucking-ever, so I wanted to make you aware in case that’s the day you call.

Rick goes to a Ukulele Strum on the first Saturday of the month, and I have to watch the kids while he’s gone.

This probably ever won’t happen, but Rick and I have a Fuck or Suck thing in our marriage. We each have a list of celebrities we can screw or go down on if the opportunity arises, no questions asked. Again, super longshot, but you never know when you’re in the bulk goods aisle at Whole Foods and you bump into Jason Bateman.

I’m a big fan of Taco Tuesday so if you call on a Tuesday we’ll need to swing by Taco Bell.

If it’s a Bed Head day, don’t worry: I’m not going down on Rick. I just need to wash my hair before we go.

There’s the Hold Your Horses thing where Teri and I say we’re going horseback riding but actually we sneak into her basement and get black out drunk. You should come! So much fun!!

I have that Junk in the Trunk thing with Pat, who I used to work with. It’s only once a year, but I probably won’t want to take any long car rides after that, you know what I mean?

I also do Wine for the WinHump DayThrifting ThursdayFight Club Friday, and a couple of others without cute names so I can never remember them.

Oh, and if you call during Jeopardy, I need to see who wins. Then we can go.

Other than that, I’m your Ride or Die!

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