You’re just 10 questions away from sweet clarity

1. First thing’s first. How did you two meet?

A) Through mutual friends. OK, fine, on Hinge.
B) He bumped into you while you were going for a stroll in the park and immediately retrieved your iPhone and wallet. You didn’t even realize you’d dropped them!  
C) At a White House press conference. He says you were his biggest scoop.

2. Complete the sentence. He’s your ______.

A) Best friend and soulmate.
B) Partner in crime. But he already has an accomplice.
C) Anchor — in more than one sense.

3. What is his love language?

A) He’s fluent in all of the love and Romance languages.
B) He has an elaborate code of silent gestures including nose tapping and ear tugging with his “associates,” but you still haven’t cracked it.
C) He’s constantly talking about his lifelong ambition to be embedded in a war zone. He pretends not to hear you when you giggle at the word “embedded.”

4. Which Robert Redford classic does he suggest for movie night?

A) The Way We Were. He cries like a baby at the end and makes you promise never to leave him.
B) The Sting. He takes copious notes throughout and won’t let you read them.
C) All the President’s Men. He takes copious notes throughout and insists that you read them.

5. Describe his use of controlled substances.

A) He says that oxytocin is the drug he craves and that you give him an overdose.
B) He never met a joint he didn’t case.
C) He’s a total workaholic ever since he started his documentary about the opioid crisis.

6. How are things in the bedroom?

A) 10/10. No notes.
B) In total disarray. While you were sleeping last night, he ransacked your drawers looking for jewelry and cash and made off like an actual thief in the night.
C) You tried to confront him about his porn addiction, but he claimed that the files on his laptop titled “Deep Throat” are for the book he’s writing on Watergate.

7. When you propose a threesome…

A) He gazes into your eyes and says, “I don’t need anyone but you to make me happy for the rest of my life.”
B) The next thing you know, you’re ensnared in a pyramid scheme.
C) He launches into a rant about how three sources does not a Pulitzer Prize-winning investigative report make.

8. How do you get along with each other’s families?

A) You often quote from the 1979 movie The In-Laws at family gatherings. It’s delightful.
B) He says that you’re the only family he needs. Then he asks to borrow money for “a family emergency.”
C) What he really wants is to join the family of MSNBC correspondents.

9. Describe your living situation.

A) You’re saving up for a house in the country.
B) He moved into your apartment so slowly and methodically that you didn’t even notice until three months later. 
C) Sometimes you get jealous because he spends more time in other people’s living rooms — via the television.

10. Where do you see yourselves in five years?

A) Married with children.
B) Enjoying the occasional conjugal visit at the Big House. He stole your heart — along with your liquid assets.
C) He’s hosting a primetime show. You’re past your prime.

Answer Key

If you answered mostly A, congratulations! You’re in a committed, long-term relationship with someone who probably hasn’t committed any felonies. Or, at least, he hasn’t been convicted.

If you answered mostly B, unfortunately, you’ve been conned. You might have more luck finding love on 90 Day Fiancé. 

If you answered mostly C, breaking news: you’re on the verge of breaking up.