Guidelines For Accompanying Your 88-Year-Old Polish Grandma To Mohegan Sun Casino Because Your Mom Has An Alimony Hearing And Can’t Take Her

Listen kid. It’s Casino Day but your Mom is busy squeezing money out of your deadbeat Dad–so sounds like we’re going to have the better luck if you ask me. This is a beloved tradition that even families who don’t toe the line of generational gambling addiction hold dear (I assume). Us Kowalski’s have been loyal patrons of Mohegan since your great grandma Zofia escaped the Nazis and immigrated to Scranton to run a bar out of her basement during Prohibition (don’t check if any of what I just said is historically accurate). Since apparently, you’re old enough to take me there now (I thought you were still 16 until this morning), we gotta go over a couple of rules:

We’re Ready to Go When I Say We’re Ready:

Let me make this clear. We are not going if I don’t have my winning coat. I don’t care what season it is. If I win the jackpot they’re going to want to take my picture, and I can’t be framed up in the front of the joint in anything other than my good coat from Bon Ton.  

Take the God Damn Highway:

Don’t ask your Alexis to take you any of those damn back roads. 309’s the fastest way and I don’t want to cut through town and see any of the girls from Bingo Night- you hear me? I’m not in the mood. And remember- red lights are optional after you’ve waited three seconds.

Use the Fake Handicap Sign in the Glove Compartment to Park:

It was your grandpa’s from back when he used to take me to Mohegan on dates three times a week- he always got the best parking. What do you mean that’s unethical? Don’t look at me like that, Joe would have wanted us to have close parking- it’s better for my knees! Disrespecting your dead PopPop in front of me, what’s the matter with you?

Always Stay Six Feet Away from Me:

Not because of no COVID. I don’t know if you’re good or bad luck yet and I aint’ takin’ any chances. Besides, Bernie from Polka Night is always at the penny slots on Thursdays and he promised me some of that good kielbasa…you know maybe should just wait in the car. I’ll meet you there at 4:30.

In the Event I DON’T Meet You at the Car at 4:30:

Tell your Mom we stopped at Johnny Rocket’s. I mean it. Don’t you dare tell her I’m still at the slots or no more savings bonds for Christmas. If you listen to me and this all goes well- I might even let you bring me for the Early Bird Breakfast next time. 

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