A Not-So-Gentle Follow-Up

Hi there! We noticed that you opted out of receiving hourly updates from your obsessive thoughts. Just doing our due diligence by checking, and triple checking, to make sure you did in fact intend to unsubscribe.

You say “yes,” but are you sure you don’t actually want to increase the frequency of your obsessive thoughts? That would make so much more sense given the chaotic and unpredictable nature of this world in which we live. Our twice-per-minute nudges, delivered straight to your synapses, can mean the difference between blowing up everyone in your apartment building by forgetting to turn off the gas, and not doing that!

In addition to prompting you to turn off the gas, even though you haven’t used the stove since the advent of Seamless, we’ll also send you invaluable warnings such as: 

“Did you wash your hands a multiple of seven times after using your laptop? It may have a virus.” 

“You still have a few eyelashes remaining. Why not pluck them out for the momentary sense of calm and control?”

“There’s an infinitesimally small chance that the one-day-over-the-expiration hummus you just ate poisoned you. Spend an hour looking up symptoms of botulism on WebMD, call your one well-adjusted friend for reassurance, and then ignore them and drive to the nearest emergency room.”

We understand you started Cognitive Behavioral Therapy with a specialist who doesn’t take insurance, and it’s finally helping you reclaim your life. But does this newfangled CBT ensure that you don’t have botulism?

Before you go, consider this: for every 1,000 cognitive distortions we bombard you with, there may be one valid perception that prevents personal and global calamity. Do you really want to risk missing out?

Well, then perhaps we can interest you in one of our many other related services, including anxious and depressive thoughts personalized just for you. We can even offer you a special bundle, since you’ve been a longtime subscriber.

Wait, come back! For a limited time, we’ll throw in a free Year of Magical Thinking wall calendar!