When I heard about this guy who lived alone on Walden Pond, Thoreau—weird name!—who grew his own beans, and got a book deal out of it, I thought, “That’s a bad ass Libertarian living large.” So I bought Walden Pond and started this community for billionaire bootstrappers like myself.

We drained the pond and installed the biggest fucking pool in the western hemisphere—heated, saltwater, with killer whales and everything.

At Walden Pool, you get all the luxury, the drugs, and the sex, but you’re surrounded by nature.

There’s something about our little community that gets back to the core of being a simple human being, and I need to share these lessons.

Economy

I guess Thoreau said, “The mass of men live lives of quiet desperation.“

I say, fuck those losers and fuck desperation. Why crave anything when you can buy it?

Most of us here made our billions the old-fashioned way, by using family money to get a starter hedge fund going, pivoting to private equity investments to extract wealth from corporations, and partnering with Saudis to exploit natural resources across the globe.

It’s so simple, anyone can do it.

Where I Live

I loved Thoreau’s “tiny cabin” energy but my architect guy, Bertölt Schmŭl, thought we could honor the original and still get a decent place to live.

My “cabin” is pretty typical:

• Eight-thousand square feet
• Two-hundred feet of pristine beach on Walden Pool
• Helipad where the original cabin used to be

I told Schmŭl none of that gaudy stuff like he did for Bezos.

We limit staff to four indoor, two outdoor, and one personal valet to help encourage simple living.

What I Live For: Eating

Thoreau was into beans and greens, but I’m all about the lobsters. At first, we started our own lobster farm, but the stupid Orcas kept eating the farmers.

Now we have lobsters flown in daily from around the globe, air-dropped to avoid government paperwork, and cooked to perfection at the Main Street bistro by one of the best chefs in the world.

Be sure to check out the Bistro’s entire menu, including Filet of Baby Seal (super juicy!), Dolphin Au gratin (salty, but in a good way), and their signature dish: Goldendoodle Kebobs (who’s a good boy on a stick?).

Reading

Thoreau considered books a treasure, and the simple life at Walden Pool allowed me to discover that treasure.

Every day, while I’m on the crapper, I have Francis, my reading servant, summarize something out of one of those Ayn Rand books.

Sounds

I’m told Thoreau got off on the wind rushing through the trees, and rain pelting the roof of his cabin, but nothing gets me harder than the roar of jet skis and cigarette boats racing across Walden Pool.

If you’ve never heard the crew of a little three-master scream in terror as a pod of orcas attacks their boat, you’re in for a treat.

Pro Tip: we forbid outdoor servants from speaking so as not to disturb the peace.

Solitude

Thoreau liked to sit quietly in complete solitude and contemplate nature. That’s cool. Maybe he jerked off to birdsong or something.

I also crave solitude, and had a sensory deprivation chamber installed. It accommodates eight adults and has an 8K Ultra flat screen, a wet bar, and a pizza oven.

Higher Laws

To honor the Supreme Court justices living here as guests, we host a black robe orgy every third Sunday of the month. If you don’t look good naked, show a little jurisprudence and maybe wait until the smack kicks in before opening your robe.

Walden Pool

I mentioned how we drained the pond and built a big-ass pool, right?

You can go marlin fishing like Hemingway, take a submersible excursion to one of the shipwrecks, or chill-out on your yacht.

The Orcas seem to have settled on the northwest corner of the pool. There are five different pods now, and they’re learning. You’ve been warned, so stop whining like a little bitch. If Thoreau could avoid snakes and leeches in the pond, you can avoid killer whales in the pool.

Conclusion

I thought I’d say more, but if a thing doesn’t earn me a million dollars or get me off in fifteen minutes, I delegate to an assistant.

I’ll leave you with this: By earning billions of dollars, we have evolved to a higher form of existence, and gathering with other billionaires is truly like being in heaven.

Now, if I can just get the right balance of longevity treatments and boner pills, I’ll live here in paradise forever, just as Thoreau intended.