Kon ban wa! Hisashiburi!

Oh, sorry, where are my Western sensibilities? What I just said was that it’s been a long time.

And forgive me for bowing. That’s just what I’m used to.

What’s that? Yes, I did just get back from Japan. I’m sure you followed my posts while I was overseas.

No? 

Well, I wasn’t visiting. I was living there. 

I’m an expat now. It’s different from being an immigrant. My six months in my new home have been less like a semester abroad (which you may have done, the classic contrived student experience) and more like Hemingway and Fitzgerald drinking in the sweet nectar of global culture and coming back changed.

Japan has been so good to me, although the culture shock has been rough. No, not getting along there – that was easy for me – I mean the culture shock of being back here. I’m used to sleeping on a futon and taking the train everywhere. I saw a gallon of milk today and nearly fainted. And I can’t believe how loud Americans are!

I’m so not good at using Western utensils anymore. I feel more comfortable with hashi. Sorry: chopsticks.

That’s cute that you think you’ve had sushi before. We don’t actually eat rolls in Japan. That’s just a crass American knockoff version. Real sushi is an experience. And it’s all about the RICE. You probably haven’t had real wasabi before either. 

Soy sauce? Oh, you mean shoyu. Yes, I have that sometimes. With my gohan.

No, silly Americajin, in reality kimonos aren’t like robes. They’re actually traditional garments that are incredibly intricate. Oh, my ancestors. You sound like such a gaijin right now. That’s what we call white people.

What do I do? I’m a sensei. It means teacher. It’s a stressful job. That’s why I get almost 200,000 yen a month (about $1,430 before taxes).

Japanese culture is much more evolved than American culture, less consumeristic and more spiritualistic. People are more community-oriented, more focused on the things that really matter. I talk to a lot of kids at the local arcade and they’re very mature for their ages.

Yes, I’ve changed much from when you knew me. This time last year, I was just a clueless Westerner boorishly imposing myself and my worldview on others. Now I’m basically a local in my small Japanese town, eating cold tofu and listening to my favorite J-Pop songs. I look back on the American I used to be and laugh at his foolishness, and the foolishness of everyone here who’s still as clueless as I used to be.

I spend a lot of time going to karaoke with my coworkers, relaxing at the onsen (where I’m not at all bothered by being naked around other adult men), and visiting nearby shrines. I’ve become quite spiritual. 

I have a roommate named Dwayne. He’s an amateur hentai artist. Knows a ton about different countries and how they all have different cultural attitudes toward sexuality and the age of consent and stuff like that. Really interesting guy. Very philosophical.

Oh, and I’ve been seeing a Japanese woman. Her name is Maki-san. We have a lot in common. We’re both anime fans, and she loves video games, and we both like food. I have so much fun translating the things she texts me.

I’m planning to learn how to read kanji. But I basically know the language, the important parts anyway. I always order in Japanese at my local konbini, 7-11.

I’m sure I’ll be going back soon. I had to quit my job to come visit my parents because they don’t allow much vacation time over there. But I really miss it. Japan is home to me now. I drink cold sake.

Well, it was so good catching up. Let me know if you ever find yourself the Land of the Rising Sun, and perhaps we can meet up. But only if you get out of Tokyo and visit the real Japan, the one most tourists don’t see. Don’t listen to guidebooks or bloggers if they’re not Nihonjin – they don’t know what they’re talking about. The Japan I’ve experienced is something you can’t understand until you’ve lived there.

And be sure to follow my Twitter – it’s got lots of great information about how much Americans can learn about happiness from the Japanese way of life. Plus, if you use my referral code, you can get 10% off a $900 knife that’s totally worth it.

Oh, there goes my buzzer. Can’t believe I had to wait for a table for one at Applebee’s!

Sayonara!