“I just have strong hands, I suppose.” 

That’s Dr. Bartholomew Teller, the inventor of a remarkable new technology: Pastesaver, a handheld appliance that puts surplus toothpaste back into its tube. For strong-handed adults like Dr. Teller, the tool has provided relief and a much easier way to clean up. For countless parents of over-eager six-year olds, all of whom seem fully unable to press on the toothpaste tube in anything like a measured manner, this invention has been a lifesaver. Conservative estimates suggest that households in the midwest have experienced savings of up to $100 million in the last quarter alone. (These savings have also not gone unnoticed, with many prominent members of the toothpaste industry issuing formal complaints about the technology to the FTC.)

It all started with a phrase. Dr. Teller says that he found himself, as usual, pushing too hard on the toothpaste tube while brushing his teeth before bed.

“The stuff was everywhere. I think I’d lost half a tube.”

As he wiped up the mess, a phrase came to mind that he’d heard earlier that day in his role as an environmental engineer, working with the recently-dismantled National Climate Science Research Association (NCSRA): “You can’t put the toothpaste back in the tube.”

“I don’t really remember who said that to me, but in the moment, standing in my pajama pants, just covered in toothpaste, I thought, ‘Well, why the hell not?’”

The design for the device took him about a year to complete and relies upon infrared and LiDAR technologies as well as nanobots to perform the actual “pastesaving,” as Dr. Teller calls the process.

“It was difficult to keep the costs low, definitely. But it has apparently struck a chord and is filling a need, so people are willing to pony up. Which is great for me!”

Apart from the massive financial windfall he has experienced as a result of Pastesaver, what has been most surprising to Dr. Teller is the unforeseen applications his invention has made possible, including in the recent, much-heralded “solving” of the catastrophe of climate change.

“It’s ironic, I suppose. It was through my job that I first came up with this invention, which in a roundabout way is also responsible for the loss of my job. But it’s nice to know that we’ve averted the end of the world!”

All three hundred researchers and staff at the NCSRA have been laid off ever since the toothpaste of climate change was successfully put back into the tube of the environment. Other applications currently being tested include putting the toothpaste of infidelity back into the tube of marital union and the toothpaste of Artificial Intelligence into the tube of people having jobs.