- Raise your glass of champagne to your lips with a look of pure disdain in your eyes, and then squeeze the glass so hard that it shatters.
- Hide your face behind your plate so that your food spills down the front of your Gucci shirt. (That’s free publicity for them!)
- Pretend like you’re on the phone getting a call that your family is dead. Lots of ugly crying.
- Roll your eyes. And then roll them again. Keep doing it faster and faster until your pupils look like lines and everyone learns about the fundamental movie magic principle called “the persistence of vision”.
- Blow your nose hard into a hanky so that it flies out from your hands like a windsock.
- Make a big show of sharing a breath mint with your neighbor at the table and insisting that he take it. Wave your hand in front of your nose to indicate the urgency.
- Laugh until you puke.
- Feign a seizure.
- Reach over and give your neighbor a giant noogie. Don’t worry, Kevin Costner only looks like he doesn’t like it.
- Freeze your body in a weird, glitchy mid-laugh pose so that the producers think that the internet is down and they have to stop everything to check if a wire has been chewed through by a rat.
- Remove the bald cap to reveal that you have in fact had hair all these years.
- Flip over your chair backwards and land on your feet, eliciting applause from Hollywood’s elite and kickstarting your new career as an Olympic-ranked gymnast.
- Make your fingers into a horse and gallop across the table, kicking over the salt and pepper shakers. Shout, “Climb aboard, Kevin Costner!” so that he’s forced to make two of his fingers into a cowboy (to show he’s a good sport) and together you gallop off the end of the table.
- Smile politely, but let your eyes drift into the back of your head so only the whites are showing. Mouth only words in Latin or Ancient Sumerian.
- Smile politely while biting your lip hard enough to make blood trickle down your chin.
- Point at yourself and mouth, “Who me?” Then point at your neighbor and mouth, “Oh, you mean Kevin.”
- Smile politely while thinking of every Lars Von Trier film you have ever seen. Don’t worry, it will show on your face.
- Laugh until Kevin Costner pukes.
- Start having a coughing fit, take a breath mint, and then choke and die. People will be surprised.
- Come back to life as a ghost and haunt anyone who wins an award other than you. Also haunt the awards host.
Little Old Lady Comedy 