The New York Times recently described Group Chats as “…interlinked, text-message-based conversations among multiple friends…”  One can only imagine, if these interchanges were taking place in the afterlife, what some of the group chats might sound like.

Descartes: Gentlemen, I’m pleased to report that, I still think, therefore I still am.

Kierkegaard:  Oy, René!  Again with that worn-out line.  Face it, you aren’t anymore. You’re kaput.  You don’t exist.

Descartes:  Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah…existentialism 101. 

Kierkegaard:  What do you think, Friedrich?

Nietzsche:  Hey, I always said “God is dead,” and look at where we are now.  So what der fick do I know? 

Descartes:  English, Friedrich, English!

Nietzsche:  Sorry, fathertongue force of habit.  You know what they say, “You can take the boy out of Leipzig…”  

Kierkegaard:  Rene, why don’t you ask one of the old geezers what they think. 

Descartes:  You hear that, Socrates, he called you an old geezer.

Socrates:  I would like to remind Soren that even though he is one of the group youngies, he is more than two-hundred years old.  However, René, let me attempt to address your question.  Do you believe, as I’ve often said, that “knowing what is right is doing what is right”? 

Kierkegaard:  Oy!  Give it a break, Socrates…still with that Socratic Method kuhscheiße?! 

Plato:  Hey, Soren, you atheist asshole, have some fucking respect for the father of philosophy.

Nietzsche:  Oh, so now he is an Übermensch?

Aristotle:  (chiming in) That’s enough, Friedrich, with your fascist superman bullshit.  Anyway, I’d really like to hear what Plato, my old teacher and mentor, has to say about René’s question?

Plato:  As I’ve often said, even after death the soul exists…and since I believe that the soul is the source of life and mind, I must agree that René  is correct.

Kierkegaard: That’s complete kuhscheiße!  If Kant were part of today’s chat group, he’d say the same thing.

Plato:  Why, because like you and Friedrich, that Kraut knows how to say “bullshit” in German?

Nietzsche:  As a German, I resent that, Plato.  How would you like it if I called you a Greek goatbanger?  

Plato:  I’d kick your Kraut ass, even though I’m over two-thousand years older than you are.

Aristotle:  Guys, wait a minute…we’re the world’s greatest living…alright, dead… philosophers…if the way you’re acting ever got around, our teachings would be dropped from college curriculums. 

Kierkegaard::  Who gives a scheisse, we’re dead.  Although René seems to believe he isn’t.

Descartes:  That’s not true, Soren.  I know I’m dead.  I simply believe that because I know it, I still am.

Kierkegaard:  That’s complete Socratic kuhscheiße!

Plato:  Whoa, Soren!  Enough with the Kraut curses.  And no more dissing Socrates.  Without him, we wouldn’t even be here.

Nietzsche:  Like here is such a great place to be.  We’re verdammt dead, for God’s sake!

Socrates:  Boys, boys, don’t argue.  Just keep in mind, as I’ve often said, “I know that I know nothing.”

Nietzsche and Kierkegaard (almost simultaneously):  Oy!