The New York Times recently described Group Chats as “…interlinked, text-message-based conversations among multiple friends…” One can only imagine, if these interchanges were taking place in the afterlife, what some of the group chats might sound like.
Descartes: Gentlemen, I’m pleased to report that, I still think, therefore I still am.
Kierkegaard: Oy, René! Again with that worn-out line. Face it, you aren’t anymore. You’re kaput. You don’t exist.
Descartes: Yeah, yeah, blah, blah, blah…existentialism 101.
Kierkegaard: What do you think, Friedrich?
Nietzsche: Hey, I always said “God is dead,” and look at where we are now. So what der fick do I know?
Descartes: English, Friedrich, English!
Nietzsche: Sorry, fathertongue force of habit. You know what they say, “You can take the boy out of Leipzig…”
Kierkegaard: Rene, why don’t you ask one of the old geezers what they think.
Descartes: You hear that, Socrates, he called you an old geezer.
Socrates: I would like to remind Soren that even though he is one of the group youngies, he is more than two-hundred years old. However, René, let me attempt to address your question. Do you believe, as I’ve often said, that “knowing what is right is doing what is right”?
Kierkegaard: Oy! Give it a break, Socrates…still with that Socratic Method kuhscheiße?!
Plato: Hey, Soren, you atheist asshole, have some fucking respect for the father of philosophy.
Nietzsche: Oh, so now he is an Übermensch?
Aristotle: (chiming in) That’s enough, Friedrich, with your fascist superman bullshit. Anyway, I’d really like to hear what Plato, my old teacher and mentor, has to say about René’s question?
Plato: As I’ve often said, even after death the soul exists…and since I believe that the soul is the source of life and mind, I must agree that René is correct.
Kierkegaard: That’s complete kuhscheiße! If Kant were part of today’s chat group, he’d say the same thing.
Plato: Why, because like you and Friedrich, that Kraut knows how to say “bullshit” in German?
Nietzsche: As a German, I resent that, Plato. How would you like it if I called you a Greek goatbanger?
Plato: I’d kick your Kraut ass, even though I’m over two-thousand years older than you are.
Aristotle: Guys, wait a minute…we’re the world’s greatest living…alright, dead… philosophers…if the way you’re acting ever got around, our teachings would be dropped from college curriculums.
Kierkegaard:: Who gives a scheisse, we’re dead. Although René seems to believe he isn’t.
Descartes: That’s not true, Soren. I know I’m dead. I simply believe that because I know it, I still am.
Kierkegaard: That’s complete Socratic kuhscheiße!
Plato: Whoa, Soren! Enough with the Kraut curses. And no more dissing Socrates. Without him, we wouldn’t even be here.
Nietzsche: Like here is such a great place to be. We’re verdammt dead, for God’s sake!
Socrates: Boys, boys, don’t argue. Just keep in mind, as I’ve often said, “I know that I know nothing.”
Nietzsche and Kierkegaard (almost simultaneously): Oy!