It seems like a lot of people don’t know this, but Woody Allen’s daughter Dylan claims he molested her when she was 7-years-old. I know, right? Here’s the really crazy part: apparently these allegations have been public since his 1992 split from Mia Farrow. That was like, more than 25 years ago! Since then, he’s made like 25 movies! That have been released in theaters! And actors have agreed to be in them! And people have watched them! And given him awards!
Since it’s clear that no one in Hollywood, a place full of brilliant people with pure artistic intentions, believes Dylan, I decided someone needs to figure out once and for all whether a man who married his own daughter could have possibly molested his other daughter. So I decided to investigate. I began watching all of Woody Allen’s movies to look for clues. Here’s what I found.
I started with Allen’s most famous film. And guess what I discovered? It’s funny and charming and romantic and Diane Keaton is great! There are no signs he’s a child molester, so he must be innocent.
I think I watched this one? If it’s the one where he goes to South America (or somewhere?) then yeah, I watched it, but I got bored and started reading crazydaysandnights.net blind items, all of which say he’s guilty. I’m back to neutral.
Is this the one where he goes to space? I fell asleep.
Hannah and Her Sisters
Since his last two films were so boring, I decided to watch one of his more celebrated works. Which was also boring. I don’t think there was any creepy stuff but to be honest I fell asleep again.
Another movie about…sisters? I don’t remember any clues suggesting he’d molest a child but honestly I got so bored I left the room to go sit in another room and stare at the wall, which seemed interesting in comparison.
I decided to skip ahead and see if Allen left any clues in his more recent films. This one features a powerful performance by Cate Blanchett as a woman who’s having a nervous breakdown. I was able to pay attention just long enough to spot one clue: Allen appears to hate women and seems to think they should be punished for having any kind of social or financial ambition. Very suspicious.
Midnight in Paris
Sticking with more recent Allen fare, I watched this movie about a guy (Owen Wilson) who ultimately falls in love with a young ass girl! I know that becuase, while I spent almost the entire movie going all the way back on a friend of a friend of a friend’s Instagram, I paid attention at the end, when he ends up with said young ass girl. I’m beginning to suspect Dylan may not have been telling an extremely consistent lie for several decades…
He did it. Also this movie sucks.
At this point, almost certain that Woody Allen is a child molester and sick of watching his boring ass movies, I decided to think outside the box and do something few have done: pay attention to Dylan instead. Why yes, I am a genius. I made it through almost one full minute of this interview before realizing once and for all that Woody Allen, without a doubt, sexually molested his own daughter. Confused, I began to wonder: if it’s so incredibly, glaringly, undoubtedly obvious that Woody Allen is, in fact, a child molester, why is he not only allowed to work in Hollywood, but celebrated?
Which led me to my next investigation: I Tried To Watch Every Movie Made By Or Featuring A Man Literally Everyone Knows Is Bad But There Were Way Too Many And Anyway It Became Immediately Obvious None Of Them Fucking Outweighed The Pain And Suffering These Men Caused Other People. Stay tuned for the details!