The hand of the government is big, invisible and intent on tickling your balls and clitoris. Think I’m crazy, huh? I’ve been doing some digging and I can tell you that all those little kinks and perversions of yours aren’t from daddy issues or problems with your mom but because of a more insidious relative: Uncle Sam.

Here are some of the biggest mass sexual trends of the past few decades and their local, state, and federal origin. This conspiracy goes all the way to the top. And bottom. And to the top again. Repeat until climax.

Licking Whipped Cream Off A Body To Raise The Demand For Dairy

The early 90s saw dairy consumption reach new lows and the “Got Milk?” campaign just wasn’t cutting it. Solution? Film after film where the protagonists were buying and lapping all sorts of creams, cakes, ice cream and other dairy products off of each other. Demand shot through the goddamn roof. The trend culminated in Katy Perry’s “California Girls” video where she blasts the GDP-saving cream all over the American economy. More like, “Got agricultural economic growth?” The trend eventually died due to Americans’ increased lactose intolerance.

Eating Ass To Inoculate The U.S Populace Against Disease

The anti-vaccination movement came to prominence in the late 2000s, threatening to increase healthcare costs due to a proliferation of disease. Solution? Naturally, beef up the populace’s immune system through exposure to toxins. Nothing holds more toxins than, as the fellas call it, “dat booty”. The higher anti-vaccination paranoia rose in the populace the lower our collective tongues ventured on our partners. Jhene Aiko, a government plant, made this trend go mainstream with the lyric, “eat the booty like groceries” and Americans been on a shopping spree ever since.

Bondage To Train U.S Military Personnel

That’s right, the federal government is responsible for 50 Shades of Grey. Knot tying is a critical component to basic training and ever since Boy Scout membership has declined the U.S military has suffered (why do you think we lost the Iraq War? Poor strategy? War crimes? No, lack of knot knowledge). By introducing bondage into the mainstream we got the general populace to wax-on, wax-off their way to learning masthead knots, sheet bend knots, The Rolling Hitch, and more. We may be tied up in too many international conflicts but those knots are going to be professional grade and a little kinky.

Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation

I just like this one a lot. Can I write off the belt on my taxes?