Millennial Porn 

By Gerard Edic

woman wearing jacket crop top and mini skirt
Aubry invites her date, Jeff, over to her place after dinner. When they get home things become quickly heated as a makeout session turns into them taking off their clothes. They become a bit too loud and Aubry tells Jeff they need to be quiet so her roommates won’t wake up. Suddenly Aubry stops, confessing that her roommates are actually her parents and that she still, shamefully she admits, lives with them. Jeff, understanding of the situation, says that isn’t a problem and says it’s what a lot of people their age are doing these days to get by. Aubry is elated and they get back at it but not for long. Aubry begins to complain about her parents- their micromanaging, their microaggressions, how they just don’t “get her” or the “world.” “They just don’t how hard it is” moans Aubry before proceeding to mock her father. Jeff pulls his pants back up, saying he appreciated the night but her talk of her parents is a real boner killer.

A pizza delivery man arrives at a yoga instructor’s apartment, telling her he has her “sausage pizza.” “That’s weird,” the woman says, as it wasn’t what she ordered. But she doesn’t care as long as it’s gluten free. “Is it gluten free?” she asks. The delivery man is unsure. The yoga instructor asks again, saying it’s important as all of her friends have become gluten free as it’s on the rage right now, and if her friends are gluten free then she can’t be left behind as she’ll be a laughing stock. Not to mention, she made her whole New Year’s resolution over clean eating and what kind of yoga instructor- Namaste!- would she be if she wasn’t into clean eating, so again she asks again if the pizza is gluten free. “Is it?” The delivery man is at a lost for words and doesn’t know what to say. The woman impatiently opens the pizza box, revealing that the “sausage” is actually just the man’s penis. Rather than shocked or surprised, the woman is simply let down. She lets out an oh, revealing that she was hoping to Instagram her gluten free pizza, and not a dick pic. 

Tom and Pam are finally able to spend some time together after a long, hard week of work. Rather than going out, they decide to make their night relaxing but special with a Netflix and Chill session. Tom wants to watch a light comedy to set the mood whereas  Pam wants to watch a horror flick, feeling the adrenaline rush will get them going. Between their bickering over what genre to watch, as well as overwhelmed over the nearly limitless choices Netflix has to offer, they can’t make up their minds. Eventually, both decide it’s easier just to stream what each wants on their own, separate devices.

Dan, who works at a nonprofit, has a side gig as an Uber driver to make ends meet. He picks up Tracy, a young woman who has just discovered her boyfriend’s infidelity. All is silent in the car until Tracy brings up that she’s been feeling a bit lonely. Dan asks her if she wants to join him up front in the passenger seat. Tracy eagerly agrees, joining him. At the conclusion of the ride, Tracy says she’d like to treat Dan with a “special” tip. Dan, understanding Tracy’s hint, happily accepts but before his pants are completely unzipped he stops her, saying that he can’t stop driving as it’s a surge night and he could really use the extra cash since he’s a month behind on rent. So he provides two options. They can keep going if she decides to order another Uber ride and he picks it up, or she can give him his special tip while he continues to pick up other riders, but only if she promises to be quiet. “What’ll it be?” Dan asks. Tracy gets out, saying she’ll take a Lyft next time. 

Hannah arrives at her boyfriend’s apartment. “Alex is taking a shower, he’ll be out soon,” says Todd, Alex’s roommate, inviting Hannah in. Hannah’s dressed in a miniskirt that leaves little to the imagination. The two sit down on the sofa, passing the time. 

“I’m kinda hungry,” Hannah says, slightly scooting closer to Todd.

“You are?” Todd asks.

“Yeah,” says Hannah as she rubs her hand up and down Todd’s thigh. She leans in towards Todd, whispering in his ear, “I want something… hard.”  

“Oh, I’ve got something hard,” Todd smiles back. Hannah’s hand slowly reaches towards Todd’s crotch but before she can fondle Todd gets up and heads to the kitchen. 

He arrives back with a bowl of avocados. 

“These are definitely hard… but they’re not yet ripe.” 

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