Eight Classic Works of Literature Summarized in a Yoga Studio Newsletter

 

woman doing yoga pose facing sea
Photo by Nathan Cowley on Pexels.com

Greetings Beautiful Bright Glimmering Soul-Friends!!!!

 

Check out these autumn specials, PLEASE register online to reserve your spot today! Great works of literature for these hot hot HOT prices that won’t last!

JANE EYRE by Charlotte Bronte

Build that inner heat and it will rise and rise, then conveniently murder your lover’s secret wife!

FAHRENHEIT 451 by Ray Bradbury

Hot yoga special!!! Sweat and cleanse while we burn away all unwanted thoughts. Memorize then recite this newsletter for 10% off.

THE BELL JAR by Sylvia Plath

Cure your depression with vinyasa flow and essential oils. Everyone pointed this protagonist in the wrong direction, when duh, all anyone needs to be cured is to pay us $2,000 for yoga teacher training, CLICK HERE TO REGISTER.

TO THE (INNER) LIGHTHOUSE by Virginia Woolf

This story opens in a Scottish lake house during summer, the perfect place for our solstice five-day retreat to really build that heat! Only $1,100 per day for five days, simple vegan cuisine included.

Across the Bay stands a lighthouse, as bright and open as your third eye. Restorative practice brings this lighthouse back after years of disrepair due to World War and family tragedy. The yogis in this book keep bickering with one another but they have they even tried walking barefoot for full-body compression first??

Once you really master that positive mindset, your paintings will complete themselves.

THE AWAKENING by Kate Chopin

Awaken your senses with the sights and sounds of New Orleans in this practice! This solitary flow gives you confidence and, I day I say it, liberation you’d never dreamed of!

Of course, it might also wake you up to how your marriage was just a contract, really, not based on love. Have you ever found permission to be your authentic self?! What a world of experiences and independence you’ve missed out on because you were so afraid to break the rules! Suddenly you feel very, very drawn to our Saturday morning beach yoga session…

THE JUNGLE by Upton Sinclair

Time to go vegan for the fall! Purify your body and your soul with prana breaths and hatha concentration.

Sure, this is a novel about the institutional inequalities that once kept Eastern European immigrants indebted to seedy lenders for life, doomed to work at unsafe meat-packing plants in conditions bad enough to turn your stomach 100 years later. But it’s really hard to bring a whole society into alignment, you know?

Let’s just focus on you, your unassailable diet, and the money we can make referring you to a vegan chef/life coach. USE COUPON CODE FALLINTOHEALTH666 by midnight tonight!

LES MISÉRABLES by Victor Hugo

A historical novel about a time of such social and economic inequality that women sold access to their bodies as well as literal body parts for money, which still wasn’t enough to keep them fed, clothed and healthy. The wretched poor revolt, naturally.

Oh my GOD what a totally depressing thought that has NOTHING to do with our current reality wow don’t forget to buy a brand-new mat for $85 to welcome the change in seasons! Essential oils, $95 per ounce, necessary for any practice!

1984 by George Orwell

War is peace!

Freedom is ignorance!

Capitalism is spiritual practice!

You can buy access to the divine at our low-low price, this month’s class card only!

You can track your emotional healing and deep concentration with an app available for iPhone!

Affluent and conventionally attractive white women are qualified to teach this ancient meditative art from South Asia!

 

Stay tuned for our Saturday chime and gong meditation that is also the SparkNotes version of “For Whom the Bell Tolls.”

 

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