If you know me, you know I’ve been selling all my clothes on Poshmark because for the last three months, I’ve been incapable of talking about anything else. Haha! Despite what all my friends seem to think, I can assure you the fact that I’m trying to get rid of everything I own is not a sign of distress — I’m simply trying to make more space in my life for creativity. Speaking of, do you want these funky shoes? I wore them once 10 years ago but held onto them in case I ever suddenly became the kind of person who wears pink poodle print wedge heels, which I still might, I suppose, but they’re yours if you want them!
You see, if there’s one thing I’ve learned recently it’s that things will never bring me happiness. In fact, holding onto things can really drag a person down and fill their life, heart, mind, dresser, closet and storage space with clutter. I’m trying to declutter my psyche and my also my closet so do you want these six identical t-shirts with minor signs of wear? I’ve had them listed for weeks and only gotten one like and I need to get rid of them A.S.A.P.!
Honestly, I don’t get why everyone is so concerned now. Shouldn’t you all have been concerned seven years ago, when I was hoarding flouncy dresses and cashmere cardigans and spending most of my free time at the mall? You all thought I was soooo sane back then but now that I’ve sold 13 pairs of jeans to strangers on the internet, suddenly I’m crazy? Suddenly I have a problem? Suddenly everyone’s worried about the fact that I just devoted an entire day to selling a pair of overalls that no longer fit me and have a hole in the crotch for $15? Actually, they sold in a matter of hours, which was a pleasant surprise!
Listen, if you actually cared about me and actually wanted to support me, you wouldn’t worry — you’d take this old leather purse off my hands! I know it’s all scratched up and the strap is broken but it’s still a good carryall so how about you just be a good friend for once and fucking take it!!!
By the way, have you ever thought of using Poshmark? You could sell that raggedy old shirt you’re wearing for $15, which means you would make about $10, which is better than donating it for free, and much better than feeling like you have to wear it just because it’s sitting in your drawer. I’m telling you, every cent you make adds up! I’ve been selling things for almost nothing and I’ve made over $700, which means this is the most lucrative job I’ve had all year. HAHA!
Another thing I’ve realized is that I don’t need clothes. Skin is natural clothing, and people tell me I have gorgeous skin all the time, so I’m already draped in luxury. I mean, I guess if I ever want to go out in public again (which I honestly do not!), I’ll need one pair of pants and a shirt, maybe two in case I sweat (I always sweat), but beyond that, I don’t need anything! Maybe a pair of shoes so I can go to the grocery store. A hat in case it’s sunny. This sweatshirt I’ve been eyeing for weeks online. Six new identical t-shirts to rotate. A silk blouse or 12. A jumpsuit, which costs $600 so I’m waiting for it to go on sale so I can buy it in two colors. A wedding dress or three, just in case. A helicopter.
OK fine — the truth is I’m just selling all my old shit so I can buy new shit! Does that make you feel better? Does it? Are you less worried about me now that you know I’m actually not downsizing, I’m just clearing out my closet so I can fill that motherfucker back up? Really? Really Monica? Really? You feel better now? Really?
Anyway, do you want these jeans or not? Someone just offered $7 for them, which means I’d make $2.50, so it’s now or never — you better decide!