Let me start out by saying, I’m a huge fan. Sorry if that’s awkward. Unless it’s awkward in a cute, meme-able way because that is an energy I would love to bring to your group.

As you’ll see from my resume—I didn’t know if submitting a resume was typical of girl band applications or not, but I put one together just in case. It’s got all my contact information, my three favorite Destiny’s Child songs, awards and recognition I’ve gotten while doing karaoke, proof I’ve played the Spice Girls’ Wannabe at least once a month since 1996, and recommendations for celebrities I could couple up with for PR purposes.

Anyway, I have zero experience with being in a professional girl band, and I do see this as a plus. I won’t be inclined to spend our practice (…rehearsal? Hang out sesh? Can’t wait to learn the lingo!) comparing this group to my previous groups. Instead, everything will just seem right to me. When one of the girls is a little pitchy or isn’t hitting her choreography quite as hard, I’ll just assume that’s how you ladies do things!

Speaking of choreography, dance routines really stick with me. For example, I was on dance team in middle school and can still vividly remember the time I did a jump too soon during a performance for the JV boys basketball game. It was the only performance they took video of all year, but I’m over it.

As far as vocal prowess goes, I flexed between an Alto 1 and a Soprano 2 in high school. This basically means I can’t sing impressively high or low. It also means I’m really great at singing only three notes for the duration of an entire song. I do not have the confidence or range for any melody unless that melody is Hot Cross Buns. Do you have that in your repertoire? Maybe that’s a song we could cover when I join the group!

You won’t have to worry about me throwing off the group dynamic because I’m good at pretending I get along with anyone. I’m sure the group has already established the sporty one, the flirty one, the one who is obviously more talented than the rest, and several hot ones. But does your group have a mildly lactose intolerant one? Okay, but is it like her whole thing? Well, that’s where I come in, going to town on a brick of pepper jack and shouting, “THIS IS GONNA MESS ME UP A LITTLE BIT TOMORROW.”

I recently got married. This probably does not make me a clear fit for your group, nor does it really have anything to do with the joining your group. However, it is something I like to bring up one to three times per day because I do crave the attention. Hey, that’s a pretty good reason why I should be in your girl group!

I would have no problem letting a stylist dress me and a professional do my makeup. Here’s a random thing about me: I love to look hot. I know—so random! I also love to do anything that requires zero energy (i.e. sit still in a makeup chair for several hours). Hopefully, this will set me apart from other contenders for your, again, already established girl group!Thanks so much for your time, consideration, and sympathetic head nods during that part when I told you about messing up during my middle school dance routine. I look forward to hearing from you soon and to hearing my background yeahs! on an upcoming single. Love you, girls!