Pleather yoga pants – Material is as soft as butter because slathering yourself in butter is necessary in order to fit into them. Super tight to activate your core while also constricting your breath. Amazingly flexible unless you lunge, twist or bend. Show off that camel toe, and kill it at your upcoming holiday-themed group class. Available in sizes 0-2.
Baggy jumpsuit – Or is it a romper? Maybe it’s a onesie? What are we calling it this year? The tagline says, “You’ll love it.” Perfect for pilates when your goal is to obstruct any view of your core while attempting to appear like you’re holding the perfect teaser.
Liquid leggings – This is for women who have had babies and pee a little bit when they work out. These sleek, shiny pants have a look that pair well with a thong worn on the outside as well as with leg warmers. Add an off-the-shoulder-bejeweled sweatshirt for coffee after class. You won’t recognize yourself in the mirror after you mistakenly think you are your mother during her Flashdance phase of 1984. Liquid leggings are best worn when coughing, laughing or sneezing. Wear them to your favorite kegel-power class.
#Sexyworkoutgear – After kissing your husband goodbye for the day and dropping the twins off at pre-school, who in the 9AM spin class full of moms and a rabbi are you trying to turn-on while wearing #sexyworkoutgear?
Luxury activewear – Silk and gold-threaded fabrics created by the finest Moldovian craftschildren with colors including Moondust and Nude. By nude they mean your body must have a dewy, peachy complexion. Fleshtone variations unavailable. Their tagline is “Feel Naked But Better.” Who wants to feel naked while doing deadlifts?
Superhero leggings – Inspired by Marvel. You know you’re a super-hero and you can rock those anatomically male drawn but designed for women Iron Man or Captain America leggings. Flip truck tires over your head and howl at the moon with a primal scream like Wolverine. Helmet, shield, claws, and penis not included.
Christmas themed yoga pants – Make the holidays a workout party and coordinate with your friends from your favorite Warrior class! You’re sure to turn heads wearing your sexy-elf yoga pants. You know your favorite fitness instructor wears adorable Santa pants and runs a special soul-crushing holiday class where the “elves” are attached to heavy ropes and pull her sleigh throughout the gym. Don’t forget to hydrate! #grateful
S&M inspired pushup leggings – “Breathable! Not see through! Squat proof!” Just like a push-up bra but for your butt! It must be a comfort wearing these artfully torn and laced bottoms to your favorite dungeon-themed circuit class knowing they contain a written guarantee that their product is squat proof. #safewordsquatproof Made in Russia.