Jolene, If You’re Gonna Take My Man, There’s A Few Things You Should Know

by Gwen Thomas

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“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene

I’m begging of you please don’t take my man”

–Jolene, Dolly Parton

Hey, Jolene. We both know, if you wanted to, you could take my man from me any time you want. But before you decide, there are a few things about him you should know:

Garrett makes the bed every morning when he wakes up, no exceptions. This includes whether or not I am still in the bed.

Garrett once told me sushi is a kid’s meal, “because of the fun shapes”.

Since we started living together, I noticed Garrett is particular about personal cleanliness. He showers before, after, and during sex.

We once took a road trip to visit my parents, and Garrett offered to play music for the drive. The next few hours he alternated between his two favorite songs: “Just Give Me a Reason” by P!nk and “Juju on that Beat”. When his iPhone died about halfway through, Garrett sang acapella.

Garrett refuses to dispose of snapped mousetraps. (He always tears up.) Once you’ve taken care of the trap, he’ll insist on a ceremonial viewing of Ratatouille. If two mice were caught, you’ll be watching it twice.

Dating Garrett means attending work dinners, with gems such as Dennis from accounting and Colby from HR. They’re all at the firm that came up with those “Head On: Apply Directly to the Forehead” commercials, and Garrett considers them his closest pals. Be warned, Dennis thinks the illuminati is real, and I’ve seen Colby fake a limp for attention on multiple occasions. Trust me, it’s going to be a long night, Jolene.

Garrett is often late to everything; he doesn’t believe in Daylight Savings. (His timeliness will improve substantially in the fall. Just wait it out.)

Sometimes when we walk through Central Park, dogs growl at Garrett. He always growls back.

Garrett still takes children’s gummy vitamins. Or at least, I thought he did. Last week, I went into the pantry to discover he’d just been eating his way through a bag of candy gummy bears with his breakfast each morning.

Garrett’s favorite color is brown, which is ridiculous.

Garrett wants to have a big family, with multiple sons. As you may know, his name is Garrett Fraiser II, after his own father. Garrett told me he plans to name his own firstborn son “Garrett Fraiser III”, and the next son “Garrett Fraiser IV”, and so on.

Garrett will order funnel cake at any theme park he attends, regardless of season, amount already eaten, or upcoming roller coasters. He throws up every time. Once he bought the funnel cake on the way out of the park, just to be safe, and threw up on the way home.

Garrett once lit his jacket on fire playing with a lighter while we were on a date in a movie theater. He claims he was trying to “put it on silent” for the film.

Garrett insists on helping tourists with directions, even when he is a tourist himself. On our vacation to Mexico City, he directed a lovely elderly couple to a nearby hostel in Spanish. Not only does Garrett not speak Spanish, but he was pointing to a Laundromat the entire time.

Garrett told me once that his personal hero was Steve Irwin. While this is an admirable hero, Steve Irwin is not usually recognized “for discovering Australia”, which is what Garrett believes.

Well, I think that’s about it. Jolene, I can’t stop you from taking my man, but I can give you a heads up about what you’re in for if you do. Either way, as Garrett likes to say after grabbing multiple cheese cubes from the samples lady at Costco: “No take-backsies.”

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