Holly Amos

10 Ways to Repurpose Your Wondrous Vaginal Cobwebs

women s orange underwear near white window blinds
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
You’re not currently having sex? Congrats! You’re an adult who can do what she wants, when she wants, including not having sex for any number of totally valid and not shameful reasons. One can never predict how long this beautiful season will last, so make the most of your vaginal cobwebs with these tips for repurposing them while they’re in full, webby bloom.
  1. Spin them into thread and become one of those people who knits on the train.
  2. Turn them into a hammock and read a book outside one time. Never use the hammock again as it’s been overrun by lazy spiders.
  3. Hang some roses. Watch the life drain out of each petal as they shrivel and dry. They’re dead, sure, but you killed them. What a powerful bitch you are.
  4. Three words: artisanal toilet paper.
  5. Ask a friend of a friend of a friend of Todd to put you in touch with some guy he knows who sells placentas on the black market. You know what they say: “Be the first to the vaginal cobweb market, own the vaginal cobweb market.”
  6. Dust off your loom and weave yourself a portrait of one of your favorite feminist icons, Ron Swanson, sitting down to breakfast with another of your favorite feminist icons, Nick Offerman.
  7. Did you know that vaginal cobwebs are good for composting, probably? Gather yours in an ornate tin and sell them to Gwyneth Paltrow for $1,500 an ounce. Spend zero dark nights of the soul lamenting that you’ve sold out to goop because goop money is good money. (Literally – just rotate that “p” 180 degrees counter-clockwise.)
  8. Three words: eco-friendly tampon mogul.
  9. While high on mushrooms, attempt to set your webs free by hanging them in an enchanted forest. They won’t run away, so try that thing where you yell, “I hate you, just leave!” so it’s easier for them to go live their own life, like vaginal cobwebs are supposed to do. Instead, catch a Disney Princess by accident. Apologize and bond over your love of moss. Seriously, moss is amazing—like if grass and sponge had a love-child and that love-child broke down nutrients that helped other organisms to thrive.
  10. Throw on a pair of full-body Spanx and a sheet mask. Crime knows no match for Spider-Susan!

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