Top Five Asexual Positions

Photo by Apostolos Vamvouras on

1. Fetal.
Experience Level:  None.
How to do it:  Find a consenting uterus and curl up in it. Remain curled up in it until you are squeezed out.
Pros:  Virtually effortless.
Cons:  Position can only be maintained for roughly 30 weeks.

2. Sleeping. 
Experience Level:  Post-Fetal.
How to do it:  Find a horizontal surface, preferably cushioned. Lie down on the surface. If cold, cover self with a blanket or scream until someone arrives to cover you with a blanket. Legs and arms may be bent to maximize comfort. Close eyes. Wait. It is recommended that this position be maintained for 7 to 9 hours per night.
Pros:  Restful.
Cons:  None.

3. Eating. 
Experience Level:  Basic.
How to do it:  Make food. Or ask/pay someone to make you food. Or scream and bang your spoon on your high chair tray until someone gives you food. Find a surface to sit on and a surface to put the food on. (Ideally, these are different surfaces.) Eat food. 
It is recommended that this position be maintained until either food or appetite is gone.
Despite the rumors, cake is optional.
Pros:  Necessary to maintain life.
Cons:  None.

4. Walking the Dog. 
Experience Level:  Intermediate.
How to do it:  Obtain a dog (beg, borrow, or befriend). Place collar on dog. Attach leash to collar. Go outside. Walk dog. It is recommended that this position be maintained until the dog is appeased.
Requires:  Dog.
Pros:  Necessary to maintain dog’s health.
Cons:  You may feel pressured to speak to other dog owners while walking your dog. However, keeping the conversation strictly to each other’s dogs is socially acceptable. Greeting owners by their dogs’ names is marginally acceptable.

5. Coming Out.
Experience Level:  Expert.
How to do it:  Don’t half-ass this one. You need to commit fully or you might as well not bother. Writing “I think I might be asexual” in an email to your cousin will be ignored or regarded as an obvious joke or a sign of your latent eccentricity. To properly come out, you must first fully engage the other person’s attention, perhaps by saying, “I have something to tell you.”

To begin, almost any position is acceptable; however, you will usually wind up standing, in front of a projector screen, presenting your PowerPoint presentation on what asexuality is to the person you’ve just come out to, who has responded by saying, “What even is asexuality? I don’t think that’s an actual thing.” 

Give your presentation, “Asexuality: Yes, It’s an Actual Thing” stopping multiple times to respond to questions, objections, barks of laughter, and comments clothed as concerns for your welfare. The other person may deploy what are known as “bingo squares”–arguments against asexuality, such as: “You need to get your hormones checked.”, “You’re not asexual. You’re gay and repressing it.”, “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”, “You’re just a late bloomer”, “If asexuals really existed, God would have mentioned them in the Bible.”, “You’re only saying you’re asexual because you’re too ugly to date.”, “Humans can’t be asexual because science.”, etc. until the other person achieves Asexual Bingo, at which point, you may present the other person with their Asexual Bingo card, the award for defending the world against asexuality in general and asexuals specifically. You may cease the coming-out process at this point, as it obviously didn’t “take”.

Pros:  At some point, the person you are coming out to might actually begin to believe you.
Cons:  This position may need to be repeated over multiple sessions with the same person before it takes. Also: It may never take. You may run out of bingo cards.

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