Here at Uniqlo we design clothes that look good no matter where you’re from, but it’s recently come to our attention that there are some specific fashion needs unique to countries with at least 250 mass shootings per year. That’s why we’re excited to introduce these exclusive products, currently available both online and in-store throughout the United States (but it would probably be safer to order them at home).

HeatTech Thermal Body Armor

HeatTech is Uniqlo’s lightweight innerwear that converts moisture from your body into heat, and now it can also protect you from 9mm and .40 caliber bullets. Just slip into these padded leggings and thermal undershirts and get ready for a fun-filled day where you only have to worry about protecting your face!

Merino Wool Flak Jacket

Covered in our signature merino wool, this military-grade armored vest can only withstand a single armor-piercing bullet, but rest assured: The vibrant colors can withstand both machine washing and dry cleaning.

Custom-Tailored Next-Of-Kin Jeans

Our famous free in-store tailoring now includes the option to have your next of kin stitched directly into the in-seam. Plus for only $5 extra you can include a “Do Not Resuscitate” order or living will!

Kevlar Bikini

Headed to the beach but afraid to gather in large crowds? We don’t blame you! That’s why our entire U.S. swimwear collection is now constructed with the finest kevlar. Just ask the white supremacist threatening your life to aim for the 15% of your body capable of withstanding the impact of his hellfire.

Men’s Underwear – Now 3 for $9.90!

Make sure the only stains on your underwear are blood by stocking up on sporty, breathable briefs and boxer briefs. Your mother will still grieve for her loss, but at least she’ll know she raised you right when the paramedics when they inform her that you died wearing clean underwear.

UT Pokémon Collection Bystander Tees

Based on designs selected though a worldwide competition of Pokéfans, these lightweight t-shirts feature Pikachu, Charmander, and Magikarp all begging for their lives in bold block letters that the average gunman can read from up to 20 feet away. Available for a limited time only!*

(*Not because we’re only making a limited number, but because statistically speaking you’ll be murdered in a completely preventable act of gun violence long before we stop manufacturing them.)