I’m Not A Bad Boyfriend, I’m A Socialist

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Wow, that’s rich. That is really rich, that you would have the audacity to call me, a card carrying member of the DSA, a bad boyfriend. If you read that Jacobin article I sent you, then maybe you’d understand why when I criticize everything you enjoy, I’m just trying to help you break the shackles of centuries of capitalist propaganda. You say that me calling your dad a moron on Christmas is proof that I’m an insensitive jerk who needs to learn to say I’m sorry, but the only thing it actually proves is the way the bourgeoisie are still able to manipulate working class people and turn them against each other. Now, I do genuinely, and from the bottom of my heart apologize for being a white cisgendered man, you know this has been the biggest struggle in my life, and something I wish I could change everyday. But for me to deny my privilege by getting a full time job instead of living off of the money my dad gave me for finishing my political science degree and the food that you buy for us, would be to simply lie to myself, and the world. Instead I am seeking to be a class traitor, the good kind, like oh, I don’t know, Engels, Zhou Enlai, and Mark Ruffalo. 

Now, something that I do wish I could change is the ways in which we’re not able to enjoy any form of entertainment together anymore. I hear your suggestions and I respect and admire the place they are coming from. I understand that they come from your experience as a woman, and this experience is something I can never take away from you, no matter how hard I may try. That being said, if I were to simply sit in the theater with you while we watch Captain Marvel and not point out that this film is a perfect example of woke capitalism trying to shut down socialist feminism, I would be doing a disservice to women everywhere. Sure, I could accept that you just wanted to have a nice, relaxing evening after a hard day at work, and believe me, no one knows the ways in which workers find their jobs alienating more than me. But to allow you, the woman I love, to be passively indoctrinated with the films pro military industrial complex messaging would make me guilty by omission for centuries of war crimes. 

I know that living with me, and supporting me can be quite difficult and for that I really am sorry capitalism has forced us all to prostitute ourselves to survive. I really wish I could apologize for yelling at you in that coffee shop the other day, but it’s not my fault the ruling class continues to raise the price on cold brew despite stagnant wages for the working people. Now, I really do love you honey, and I understand that from your perspective I can be a bit selfish. But if my decision to forgo my privileged upbringing to live a life among the people, and only ask my parents for money in emergencies doesn’t prove I’m a selfless person, I don’t know what will. 

Sweetie, I know you claim that lately I’ve been an absentee boyfriend and am never there when you need me, and I understand your pain, but I wish you could understand that toppling an oligarchy is no easy task. As Oscar Wilde once said, the trouble with socialism is it takes up too many evenings. You know, some of my DSA friends say I’m like a modern day Oscar Wilde. I guess some people appreciate my quips, but I digress. The reason you may feel like I’ve been ignoring you is just because today is such an important time in our history, and there is so much work to be done. Whether it’s helping out the Bernie Sanders campaign by liking their Facebook posts, speaking out against Bolsanoro on Twitter, or educating myself by reading socialist theory on the Chapo Trap House subreddit, my schedule is packed. I know you may think going home with you to visit your sick grandma is more important than me staying home so I can go to a debate watch party, but you’re just thinking too small. If Bernie wins and we have medicare for all, we’ll never have to go home and visit your grandma ever again, because she’ll have all the free healthcare she could ever want! I don’t know about you, but that sounds like a win-win to me.

In conclusion, I would just like to add that if you think you’re the only one with complaints about our relationship, well you should really take a look in the mirror. When you look in that mirror you will see the wonderful woman I love, and find incredibly beautiful despite the fact that the corporate media has tried to spread the message that you’re not beautiful because you’re a few pounds overweight. You absolutely should not let that make you feel bad, I actually love your curves. But when you take a closer look, I hope you see that behind that unconventionally beautiful face is a woman who still watches reality television despite the incredibly harmful classist, and misogynistic messages it spreads. A woman who refuses to accept that someone can be hard working even though they aren’t cut out to work the traditional 9-5 hours capitalists try to rigorously impose on them, and most of all someone who claims to be accepting of all sexual identities, but still believes monogamy is the only suitable way to live. Who’s the hypocrite now, babe? 

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