Live rent free, no utilities, lousy roommates, or noisy neighbors in the comfort of your very own polyethylene resin chess piece in the center of an outdoor mall. With new digs like these, you’ll meet people every day (unbeknownst to them) including: 

– Lost and scared children

– Clueless divorced fathers with custody of their kids that weekend

– Dogs growling at your chess piece because they can smell you

– One deranged custodian that will slow dance with you during after-hours

Not convinced? Still ready to throw in the towel on capitalism? Don’t sweat it. With these features, you can ward off all suspicion that you are sleeping, eating, and making wet in a plastic lawn game!

– Two discrete holes for breathing and, uh, ventilation

– A retractable periscope at the crown for surveying your surroundings

– A 75 lb. sandbag in the base for keeping yourself upright on windy days

– A compartment for food scraps and small mementos of the outside world 

With the gist of what a traditional residence provides, you’ll not only hide in plain sight but thrive in plain sight. People are more interested in playing cornhole or other games without hollow interiors for human storage anyways.

When no one is around, the chess piece home doubles as a portable shell that you can waddle around in to stretch your legs after hours of standing in one place.

There’s even room to settle down and start a family! Like hermit crabs, you and your family can all live in their own separate pieces on the giant chess board you’ll call home. Your children will grow into larger chess pieces as they age. Pawns can be used as containers for babies or toilets. 

Now, I know what you’re thinking. But what about my legacy? Consider the following. 

The next civilization that discovers your skeleton will think you were a monarch from long ago, honored with a peculiar burial ritual by being sealed into an ancient totem (instead of a dredge on society making the best of a bad housing market). Checkmate landlords!