Hey ladies! (And a very specific kind of gentleman!)

Are all these headlines about the Coronavirus getting in the way of your big Gender Reveal Party plans? Sick and tired of having your BFFs cancel because they’re “feeling flu-like” or “have been ordered to shelter in place by the Chinese police”— all just because they’re afraid of catching a little cold?

Don’t worry! We’ve got a party you can plan for every potential pandemic: From a mild SARS-like outbreak to a terrifying Children of Men-style apocalypse in which your child is the last one ever born. No matter what happens, nothing’s getting in the way of your big day!

• Are your guests worried about falling ill? Rent out a hospital and host the party in the cafeteria, with plenty of beds at the ready for when your guests inevitably do fall ill— from the food.
• Need a last-minute venue? Try a crowded space full of international travelers like the airport, the museum, or any Starbucks bathroom.
• Want to skip the venue altogether? Host a virtual party via Skype and ask all the guests to download a special app that will notify them when you reveal the gender of your baby by locking their phones to a pink of blue screen until they pay you $10,000 in Bitcoin.
• Ready to spare no expense? Throw the party of your dreams, but hire a haz-mat team to spray down every guest, disinfect their clothing, irradiate their gifts (we said no animals!), and take their baseline temperature in case they start to show symptoms at the exact moment you’re smashing open the four-foot piñata that reveals the genitalia growing inside you.
• Looking for a fun activity? Have everyone wear face masks, then at 3 p.m. on the dot have your guests take them off: The color of the pus oozing out of their noses reveals the gender of little Tobias and/or Tabitha!
• Skeptical of the medical establishment? Take vaccination into your own hands and throw a Coronavirus Exposure Party to help build everyone’s immunity: All you need is a large living room, 10 pounds of poorly-refrigerated seafood imported straight from Wuhan, and a complete lack of medical training or expertise. Your surviving friends will thank you later.