Let me be clear up top: my employment as a boat salesman may affect my decision-making process as your financial advisor.

Thanks for coming today! My office is right past all these boats – beautiful, aren’t they? Follow me up here; I’m set up in the kitchenette of this 2018 Catalina 385 sailing yacht. Mind your head on the teak doorway!

Don’t worry, this whole operation is above board (don’t mind the pun, haha.) I have my series-7 and this boat dealership lets me advise clients from this masterpiece of a boat. As long as I help with sales now and then.

You’ve come in with a decent, diversified portfolio. But I’m worried about its buoyancy in this stormy market. As your new financial advisor, I will take your liquid assets and convert them into assets on liquid. Ha! I see you getting up to leave, but let me explain first.

Banks fail, companies lie, governments collapse. A boat is the only investment you can make that both entertains and keeps you safe in the event of the apocalypse. 

Speaking as your financial advisor and potential boat salesman, you’ve got to put your money into the ABC’s: Ammunition, Boats, and Canned food.

What about little Jimmy’s college fund? Listen, that’s not going to be a concern when UCLA succumbs to the fault line. Little Jimmy’s going to boat school! Student:teacher ratio 1:1, baby!

You’re standing up and inching towards the door like someone who’s not convinced. Maybe I can’t help you. It’s 2019 and you’re not factoring societal collapse into your financial decisions. 

Look, don’t leave! I’ve got a guy down by the marina. He’s gonna hook you up, bro. He’s gonna turn a blind eye to you living on the boat there. Step through that door and I’ll get you out of your house and onto a nice, luxurious, depreciating asset.

You can be a boat guy! You can say things like, “The best two days of owning a boat are the day you buy a boat and the day you sell that boat.” That will communicate the entirety of the human experience to your fellow boat guys!

Nope! I’m not letting you out of here yet. I went to UPENN. I majored in Economics and spent several years at Bear Stearns. When the recession hit – I got on my boat and disappeared myself. Nobody’s called me by my real name in years. My past life is a memory. My loved ones are familiar scents on gusts of wind!

That’s the freedom that comes with boat ownership, friend-o. In the near future the Hudson will look like ancient Phoenicia. He who controls the sea controls the trade of whatever scarce luxuries and spices are left. Don’t think of me as blocking your exit from this boat store. Think of me as opening the door to your financial future.

Do you want to buy this boat?