“We hold these truths to be self-elvident: All men and women created by uh, go, you know the— you know the thing.”

—Democratic Frontrunner Joe Biden

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You listen to me here, you hip TikTok-ing, socialist-flirting, generation Z-for-Zebra because you always show your stripes, millennial “progressive.” I know you don’t want to hear this, and probably can’t over your AirPads and EarPlugs, but it’s time to get serious about this election. So you can scream and tweet all you want, but I’m voting for Joe Biden in this Democratic primary because he’s the only candidate who can do whatever it was we were just talking about.

Now just take a second to think about this and don’t back-sass me ‘til you do, alright then?

What was it I was about to say?

Right. Joe Biden. When I think of Joe Biden I’ll tell you the first thing I think of: Donald Trump. If we’re going to defeat Donald Trump we need to nominate someone who isn’t that person, and let me tell you: Donald Trump and Joe Biden are completely different people. So I think the most important thing we need to do as a party— as Democrats— is nominate whoever that is. And I know you think that’s a bad thing to be, a capital-D Democrat, but I’ll tell you who else was a Democrat: Franklin. Delano. Kennedy. And he stopped the war! So before you go saying “I’m voting for a third party!” or “I’m writing in Chaka Khan!” just remember who saved us from the Great Depression.

And that person was Barack Obama.

Because that’s another thing. When I think of Joe Biden I think of Barack Obama. And if we’re going to defeat Donald Trump with Barack Obama in the fall, then we need a Joe Biden. Because only Joe Biden was once a, you know, he was the other one. He was there when Obama was. He got that medal for getting the gay marriage or something. Or did you already forget that? Because I did until you mentioned Obama.

And speaking of Obama: Obamacare! Maybe it’s not Sweden or Switzerland or Cuba, but I like my Obamacare just fine! I mean I get my healthcare from my long-time employer, but if you want to talk healthcare we can talk healthcare! Because I don’t remember what we were talking about anyway!

When I was your age the only healthcare we had was staying home from school and watching The Price is Right. And back then the price was always one dollar, Bob! And a Coke cost a nickel and if you didn’t have a nickel then gosh darn it people would lend you one because we were all just nicer like that back then. Unless you were black. Or gay. Or a woman. But that’s why they invented Diet Coke. So the women could borrow a nickel too.

Listen, I know what you’re going to say about the women, sweetheart: I know you wanted to nominate one this time around, and I get it. I did too. But there weren’t any women running this time, so what can you really say? You can’t vote for a horse that doesn’t have a jockey in the field. And believe me: I would’ve voted for a woman if there was one, because I voted for Hillary Clinton in 2008.

Look on the bright side: A Biden administration will be great for women! I know when I think of women I always think of Joe Biden, and not because of the touching.

But do you know what else is touching? Joe Biden. Joe has this touching life story about his son Beau or Hunter— whichever one didn’t buy the Ukraine— and that story is about love. Or perseverance. That’s why Joe Biden is running for President. Because he didn’t before. And now he can. And that’s a story every American can believe in, but especially me because I kind of look like him.

My point, young sir or madam is this: What was the question? And does this Starbucks have a bathroom?