What Your Face Mask Says About You This Pandemic Season

For the general American public, there is no added health benefit to wear a respiratory protective device (such as an N95 respirator), and the immediate health risk from COVID-19 is considered low. – FDA.gov, as of 3/3/20

With flu season in full swing and COVID-19 headed our way, it’s time to flaunt your sick style by donning your favorite face mask. Here’s what the face mask you choose for everyday wear says about you.

Surgical Mask
Out of an abundance of caution, I preemptively purchased all of the available surgical masks on Amazon because I wanted to be prepared for impending doom and/or financial gain. I can sell one to you for $200 or two for $500 if you’re interested—don’t hate me, hate the game. Or, I am a medical professional in my place of work.

Respirator Mask
I know what the FDA is saying, but they are government-run and therefore cannot be trusted. If I can’t breathe as well wearing the mask that means it’s working! Breathing less means that fewer airborne particles (I’m looking at you COVID-19) can make it into my body.

Guy Fawkes aka Anonymous Mask
The disease can’t infect me if it doesn’t know who I am. Plus, I already had this in my closet for all the anti-government protests I attend.

Jason Mask
And you thought this mask would never come in handy again after Halloween 1990. I couldn’t find any surgical masks on Amazon or eBay—late to the game, again!—so I figured I could scare any lurking diseases into submission.

Sheet Mask
Any mask is better than no mask, am I right? I chose an aloe-infused sheet mask so I could hydrate my skin while we wait for the apocalypse. No point in getting ugly in isolation. You never know who you might meet in quarantine. ;D

Phantom of the Opera Mask
“Turn your face from the garish light of day.” In other words, welcome to quarantine. I’ve got plenty of hand sanitizer and Clorox wipes in my underground lair, Christine—don’t worry.

Gas Mask
If it can filter out mercury, it can filter out coronavirus. My family and I have been ready for global chemical and biological warfare since World War I. It was only a matter of time.

Bane Mask
[heavy breathing] [incomprehensible garble]

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