Try this fast, easy and guaranteed DNA test to determine whether you should give a flying fuck about anything. The results are confidential, but if you want to tell the whole world that you are genetically unable to give a fuck, then go right ahead.
Step one, spit in this tube. If you prefer, hock a loogie in it or place your nostril over the opening and snort out your genes. Our team of scientists accepts almost any form of human secretion that you think best exemplifies your current mood. Step two, seal up the liquid and send it to our lab where our team of underpaid scientists will begin to analyze the substance. A sequence of assays will begin the number of fucks-you-can-give results. If we determine that you are female, you will be given a hardly any fucks gold membership card. Carry this with you when you are approached by your supposed best friend who is constantly offering unsolicited intermittent fasting advice or hand it to that guy in your office from whom you are inexplicably seeking approval. If our lab determines that you are a woman over 50, you qualify for the “I’m Out of Fucks to Give” membership which entitles you to stop dying or continue to dye your hair unmodified by cultural expectations. If your DNA indicates you are a woman over 50 who did not have children, feel free to share your genetic results with friends and family who can’t help wondering aloud how you can survive after opting out of life’s most compelling biological imperative. If you are gay, non-binary or trans, our testing fee is gratis since everyone knows you could give two fucks about what people think after all the shit you’ve been through.
Our state of the art sequencing equipment will let you know if you are no longer able to give a fuck about the marriage of Meghan Markle and Prince Harry; Madonna’s bum knee, the slowdown in condo sales over $5 million, and the mindset of people who hate Colin Kapernick. After the testing is complete, you will be free to say to those situations and many others that grace the cover of The Wall Street Journal, “sorry, my allels are not capable of giving a fuck.” It’s scientifically verified! Share our colorful Fucks to Give printout on Facebook. (Of course, without expending any fucks to give for Mark Zuckerberg)
We also specialize in gene editing if you are all out of fucks to give, butneed a few to keep in reserve for your pets and/or the fate of the planet. Just let us know what you still care about even if it’s your job. Also, if you’re still giving a fuck about some embarrassing moment that happened to you ten years ago which no one even remembers anymore, we offer genetic brain bleaching for a small price. If you still give a fuck about your ex after more than five years, you will be assigned a Fuck that Shit coach.
So, why not take the test today and compare your Fucks to Give with others around the world, especially the ladies and gentlemen in our current administration whose latest results have lowered the Fucks to Give average below what was thought humanly possible?