Shakespeare Characters I’d Let Do Me And What It Would Be Like

by Catherine Weingarten and Annette Storkman

Mercutio (from Romeo and Juliet)
An intense, bisexual bae screaming about his white whale (the queen of dreams).

Orlando (from As You Like It)
Not afraid of a little drag.

Demetrius (from A Midsummer Night’s Dream)
Great in bed, but will call you by your best friend’s name.

Beatrice & Benedick (from Much Ado About Nothing)
Will invite you to be their third at the nice wine bar in town, but when you get to theirs it quickly turns into a deadly battle of wits. You leave best friends.

Oberon (from A Midsummer Night’s Dream)
For those nights you just want to be used to make another woman jealous.

The Friar (from Romeo and Juliet)
Even if sex isn’t great he’s always got those good drugs.

Henry V (from Henry V)
Says hot things to you like:
“And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs’d they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That f*cked with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.”

Bottom (from A Midsummer Night’s Dream)

Citizen (from The Complete Folio)
He has good moral standing even if he usually only says one thing like “what ho!” — and you like dirty talk anyway, so….

Claudius (from Hamlet)
Uncle? Step father? Either way, it’s a Daddy dream!

Ghost of Hamlet’s Father (from Hamlet)
For a true out of body experience.

Hamlet (from Hamlet)
You did the Dad, you did the Uncle, why not collect them all!

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