Hey Neighbor!

A cautionary tale of Corona contagion

Illustration by Jennifer Shiman

Hey you there! Hey neighbor! With your dog on a walk.
With your mask and your gloves. Come here and let’s talk.
I’ve got something to tell you, just for us folks.
This Covid19. It might be a hoax.

So come in for a gossip, come in for a gab.
We’ll discuss how the virus was made in a lab.

I’m sorry, what’s that? Are you talking to me?
I only came out so Grizzles could pee.

I’ve got a strong feeling that the news is all fake.
And there’s only so much of this life I can take.
That prissy Deb Birx and that dumb Dr. Fauci.
All that hard data can make me so grouchy.

This country’s gone crazy. We’ve made such a fuss.
It’s time to reopen, starting with us!

I do not agree! We must keep confined.
You stay in your home and I’ll stay in mine.

We can hang out. The rules are unfair.
I want to play golf. Will you cut my hair?
I’m so super bored ’cause I lost my job.
This whole situation makes me lolsob.

I insist you come over. Now don’t be a pooper.
It’s perfectly safe. Bring your dog and your scooper.

You must listen to science and do as you should.
Quarantine is a pain but it’s for your own good.

Speak for yourself. Don’t silence my voice.
Live free or die! My body my choice!
This is America. We’re s’posed to be free!
Plus I live alone and I want comp-a-ny.

I promise it’s safe. You’re in little danger.
You and your dog should not be a stranger.

It seems like it’s wrong. It feels so not right.
But I guess we are neighbors. I should be polite.

That’s right, my new friend! Walk up to my door.
Let’s keep living life how we lived life before.
Come in! Come in! You and your mutt!
I’ll give you a push, no ifs ands or buts.

Although, my good man, I do hate to ask.
But you’re going to have to take off your mask.

I said I would visit as long as it’s quick.
But I’ll keep my mask on. I don’t want to get sick.

A mask doesn’t help to protect from a pox.
I know that one’s true ’cause I heard it on Fox.
With half your face covered you seem like you’re weak.
A sissy, a snowflake, a scaredy-cat freak.

So take off that mask. Consider it banned.
Are you still undecided? Let me give you a hand.

I’ll do it myself! Do not touch my face!
I’m taking it off. Keep your hands in their place.

There you are, friend. Now don’t you feel better?
There’s no need to follow the rules to the letter.
Being so paranoid doesn’t make sense.
Trump doesn’t wear one and neither does Pence.

I promise you’re fine. You’re safe and you’re sound.
Sit down and relax! You and Guzzles the hound.

It’s Grizzles, my friend, and we’re nervous to stay.
We’ll only sit down if you’re six feet away.

Oh phooey! P’tooey! Corona’s bad, sure.
But I’ll tell you what’s worse than this flu is the cure.
This lockdown has caused such grief and such trauma.
I’m sad and I’m lonely and I blame Obama.

But now you are here! Both you and your pooch.
Is there room on that chair? Move over. Now scooch.

Sir, I implore you, do not come any closer.
Your neglect of my health couldn’t be any grosser.

I told you I’m fine! Don’t be so dramatic.
I’m not one of those folks who’s asymptomatic.
Besides, now it’s summer and I want to have fun.
I stayed home for a month and guess what? I’m done.

Though now that you mention I do feel kind of funny.
Since I went to the beach on that day it was sunny.

The length of this visit is beyond my endurance.
Neither Grizzles nor I possess health insurance.

I may have a fever. My breath is a wheeze.
Boy am I tired and I think I may sneeze.
My throat kinda hurts and I’ve got a chill.
But it’s probably nothing. I’m sure I’m not ill.

I’m pretty much fine. I’m basically well.
If I could only regain my lost sense of smell.

We need to go now! Both Grizzles and I!
I insist, my good neighbor. We bid you goodbye!

Of course you can go! No-one’s keeping you here.
Jeez, my good neighbor, you’re living in fear.
Just one more quick thing, before you two beat it,
I’ll give you a hug. You look like you need it.

Neighbor I’m coming with big open arms.
I promise I’m safe. I’ll do you no harm.

No, sir, stand back! Maintain social distance!
Grizzles will bite! He’s trained in resistance!

Here’s a big squeeze. Is this really so bad?
I’m a hugging type guy so there’s hugs to be had.
Because hugs are important. Hugs are so great.
You can’t get a hug if you self-isolate.

See, what you need is a real human touch.
I can tell by your squirming you love it so much.

You lured me inside! Your agenda was falso!
I do not give consent! #me also!

I TOLD you you’re safe. This conversation is tiring.
Your democrat brain may need some rewiring.
It feels good to be right. I don’t mean to gloat.
Hold on one sec, I’ve got a tickly throat-

Hack! Hork! Hack hack!

Oops, sorry, dear neighbor, did I cough on you?
And listen to that. Now are you coughing too?

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