Revised And Updated Holiday Calendar For The Apocalypse Times

-Every Monday Tuesday and Wednesday is your birthday. If you are still alive Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday it’s your birthday on those days too.

-Every 2nd, 3rd and 4th Thursday of the month is Christmas. If Christmas falls on a Thursday that also happens to be your birthday, celebrate both. If there are more than four Thursdays in a month keep celebrating Christmas until there are no more Thursdays or there is no more you.

-President’s Day has been eliminated as there are no more presidents. In it’s place is Captain’s Day which is every other Sunday. You’ll understand Captain’s Day once you’ve formed your survival tribe and elected a captain. Pro tip: the captain is always the person with the most weaponry and the craziest eyes.

-Every time a newly orphaned child calls you “momma,” it’s Mothers’ Day. Also you are now that child’s mom.

-There is no need to celebrate Halloween anymore since every moment of life feels like one of those scary carnivals theme parks put on annually, but this one has gone deeply awry and will never end.

-Valentine’s day is every time you find a new partner after your current one was kidnapped while foraging. Pro tip: you will lose many partners this way; Valentine’s day will get exhausting. You may just want to start saying that you don’t celebrate it, kinda like you did in pre-apocalypse times.

-Secretary’s Day will become the most important holiday because the “Secretary,” in our new society is the person in charge of rationing food and water. Secretary’s Day is every day that you are still alive and got to eat.

-Easter is no longer a holiday it is the name of the most popular person in your survival tribe because that person still remembers what ham tastes like and they describe it whenever anyone requests.

-Telemachus day is every time someone in your survival tribe leaves to try and find their “biological family.” It happens a lot.

-Arbor Day and Earth Day are now bundled together and they have been renamed Greta Thunberg Day in honor of her efforts to avert this catastrophe we now call life. It is a solemn day that consists of people fashioning little yachts out of any detritus nearby and then wearing the little yachts around their necks. Yes, many yachts have been fashioned out of feces. This day is celebrated every full moon.

-Apocalypse Day is every Nov. 9th at 2 a.m. This is a day that commemorates the beginning of the end. It is a reference to Nov. 9th 2016 at 2 a.m when most of us finally accepted that Donald Trump had won the U.S. Presidency. The celebration consists of drinking home brew (think moonshine but deadlier) heavily into the early morning. Pro-tip: only drink home brew from the Secretary’s batch, theirs contains only 2% cyanide.

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