by Jason Garramone
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, your Honour, I am going to prove, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the Vespa mandarinia, the Asian giant hornet, or, as the media has dubbed it, the “murder” hornet, is entirely innocent. On behalf of my client I will be seeking one hundred million dollars compensation for damages and defamation.
My client, who just happens to be larger than the hornets we’re familiar with here in North America, is no murderer. In fact, at two inches long, he’s hardly a giant. Giant? Ha, that’s embellished, hyperbolized, and catastrophized! The only thing this innocent creature is guilty of is being the target of an injurious smear campaign by the fear mongering media.
You see, the media tired of reporting on COVID-related news because its fear factor was waning. So, they went looking for a new threat. Piggybacking on the pre-existing prejudicial fear of Asia — due to COVID-19 in Wuhan, China — they settled on this hornet. What they attempted to do was scandalous, slanderous, and egregious!
Has anyone here had any encounters with my client? No? I didn’t think so. Would you like to know how many people my client has killed? Zero. That’s right, zero. Not a single person has died as a result of this so-called “murderer.” These malicious reporters, these doom and gloom merchants, created accusatory headlines about my client that are facinorous, scurrilous, and calumnious!
“Well, it’s not us they’re trying to murder,” some might say, “it’s the bees we have to protect.” I’ll remind you that this same alarmist media used to warn us about “killer” bees. “Killer” bees, “murder” hornets, it seems that the media can’t make up its mind about which flying insect we should fear. Who knows, maybe tomorrow’s new menace will be “manslaughtering” ladybugs.
I’d like you to look at my client, really look. Now forget about everything the media has told you in its effort to scare you and stir you up in a panic stricken frenzy. Is “murderer” a fitting moniker for this tiny creature? No. Labelling my client a murderer is iniquitous, outrageous, and preposterous!
Now it’s up to you, the good people of this jury, to determine whether or not my client is awarded the fair and necessary compensation for being accused of murder. Today, you have the opportunity to help deliver justice. A victory for my client is a victory for wrongly accused and slandered creatures everywhere. Anything less would be a stinging travesty to justice.