The following is an excerpt from a fantasy fiction series titled “Donald Trump: Good Guy Rule Follower,” detailing the President’s itinerary in the alternate reality where he quarantines like the rest of us.
Chapter 8: Positively Covid
8:30 a.m.: Gets computer set up to work from home. Sends status update to staffers. Refers to this time as “unprecedented.”
10:00 a.m.: VPN crashes. Unexpected half-day!
3:00 p.m.: Decides to declutter home office. Finds old notebook, and spends next five hours looking through it instead.
8:00 p.m.: Makes overnight oats for the week with expired oats from pantry. Vows to make this his new weekly routine.
10:00 p.m.: Watches videos of people clapping for nurses.
10:02p.m.: Watches videos of people clapping for him.
8:00 a.m.: Eats oats from yesterday. Proud of his new routine. Even though oats are kind of weird.
8:30 a.m.: VPN back online. Splurges on new desk chair and mousepad from Amazon. Adds water bottle to the order to get free delivery.
3:00 p.m.: Downloads Duolingo.
4:00 p.m.: Zooms Don Jr and Ivanka. Eric cannot figure out how to join. No one notices.
6:00 p.m.: Discovers Netflix’s “Tiger King.” Binges whole thing.
12:00 a.m.: Tweets hot take.
8:00 a.m.: Reluctantly eats oats again. Very bland. Tries to finish, but can’t.
8:30 a.m.: VPN acting weird. Spends most of the morning watching Tabitha Brown cooking videos instead.
1:00 p.m.: Zooms Melania who is in other room.
4:30 p.m.: Orders McDonald’s contactless delivery for dinner to support local businesses.
9:00 p.m.: Carves out a few hours to watch movie before bed. Spends first hour picking perfect movie. Falls asleep in chair.
8:00 a.m.: Ugh, oats again. Vows to make less next time.
1:00 p.m.: Buys bulk pack of leggings on Amazon, since pants are not “of the moment.”
7:30 p.m.: Zoom-hang with Mike and Mitch. Mitch suggests they play Quiplash. Mike ruins it by answering every prompt with “Mother.”
6:00 p.m.: In a moment of weakness, signs up for virtual improv class. Never goes.
2:00 a.m.: Stands in front of pantry. Walks away. Comes back, expecting different food.
8:00 a.m.: Throws oats away. Orders McDonald’s contactless delivery for breakfast to support local businesses.
11:30 a.m.: Stares at dishes in sink.
11:35 a.m.: Stares at clothes on floor.
4:30 p.m.: Orders McDonald’s contactless delivery for rest of meals.
10:00 p.m.: Watches video of a man playing cello on his balcony. Briefly entertains the idea that humans are beautiful, wonderful, adaptive, imaginative creatures. Ultimately decides that is dumb.
11:00 p.m.: Deletes Duolingo.
[Spends remainder of quarantine in unrestricted “Executive Time.”]