by Kendra Augustin
Hey gals, if you want things to work out with you and a fella you just met, it’s important that you never make him feel small by being superior to him or even on par with him in any way. How can he be a hero if you’re good at things?
One of the worst things you can be is funny. Even worse: a comedienne. You might try to make bad jokes to throw him off the scent of the fact that you’ve performed at the most sold out comedy venue in your area for the last five years, but even a bad attempt at humor can still feel threatening. Here are some ways to hide your comedic sensibilities so your date doesn’t realize you’re much funnier than he is:
Each time he makes a half joke that is in need of a punchline, take a sip of water instead of making a quippy retort.
Tell him you like guys with a sense of humor so he understands it’s something you’re looking for but not something you have.
When your date comes back from taking a piss and asks you why the bartender was laughing so hard, explain to him that the bartender was mimicking Joaquin Phoenix in The Joker and not that you said something so brilliant that the bartender is going to tattoo your joke on their wrist.
When he starts explaining to you why Nanette was storytelling and not stand-up, get really excited about wearing a dress with pockets to keep from asking why he isn’t so obsessed with the distinction between storytelling and stand-up when he talks about John Mulaney or Patton Oswalt.
When he starts listing several underground comedy shows to hit up and you realize your friends host every one of them, start dancing to no music like Natalie Portman in Garden State to distract him. But don’t tell him you watched Garden State to keep from spilling to him that your favorite 2004 comedy was actually Mean Girls.
Quickly run to the bathroom when he says he’s going to try stand-up at an open mic that you happen to host so you can email the venue that you’re cancelling the show for good so as to not limit your chances of marriage.
Every time he makes punny jokes like “Orange you Glad?” applaud him to keep yourself from calling him a hack.
Upon being asked what your favorite Key & Peele skit is, suck on your thumb so you don’t accidentally say, “Actually, they’re sketches not skits.”
Then bite your thumb so you don’t blurt out that it’s a tie between “Is This Country Song Racist?” and “I Said Bitch.” Cuz of their tight games, of course.
Just as he asks you what was the funniest thing he said tonight, pretend to choke.
When he says he can’t think of any funny female comedians, aim your side of mash just above his head and say, “Oh shucks I have such slippery hands.”
He’ll laugh at your clumsiness and declare that this is the first time a woman has made him laugh. Immediately stab him with a steak knife.
Offer up a, “Haha I was doing a Lucille Ball bit,” then ask the bartender out.