In light of recent events, several white comedians have opted to hire a local gelatis to create a sweet apology-themed ice cream in hopes that it will cool things over with fans and the black community. The idea was originally conceived by Tina Fey and Jimmy Kimmel, but soon found traction with other celebrity investors such as Sarah Silverman and Ted Danson. This approach is even starting to gain steam with YouTube personalities such as Shane Dawson, Jeffree Star, and Pewdiepie who have been reportedly in talks with potential sponsors to develop their own syrupy atonements to be sold along with their merch on various platforms.
Criticism of celebrity apologies has been as abundant and ample as the number of mea culpas themselves, thus many have dismissed said pleas for sounding insincere and disingenuous. In an effort to gain more credibility for their remorse, backers of the atoning confectionary felt compelled to transcend the act of typing out an apology letter on their notes app and posting to their social media accounts. They hope that by going the extra mile in making this concession, it will prove that they are unequivocally sorry both for what they did and how you felt about it. Kimmel is quoted as saying, “It’s obvious we can’t go back and change the past, but we hope that this small act will save our relationship with those we have offended and stop our careers from getting canceled.”
The flavor of ‘le apologia,’ as the gelato has been named, is vanilla — very vanilla as an homage to the comedy often delivered by the investors in hopes that it will appeal to a wide audience. Early reaction is proving favorable for backers. Consumers who have had the chance to preview the gelato have called it ‘nice’ and say ‘it gets the job done.’ One local stated, “it’s sweet but I’ll probably forget about it in a couple of weeks.” Fey has been quoted as saying, “It’s the reaction we were hoping for.”
The gelato will be sold at Whole Foods, Trader Joe’s, Erewhon Markets, and wherever else well-intentioned liberals like to shop for gimmicky foods at an overinflated price. It will be available for a very limited time unless there are any further discoveries excavated from Twitter feeds from the past.